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[Beretta55]

Hi everyone, doing good I hope. No this isn't a "I'm leaving thread" I'd never leave this place but I'm here to explain my random absences from time to time and lack of posting over the past two years and I just want to talk to other people besides myself and a friend of mine on this forum (who will go on to remain nameless unless the person doesn't mind. But I thank her for always lending a helping hand, listening to my problems and being there for me, you have my thanks and gratitude. I hope one day I can return the favor.) who has known of my problems for the past two years. Plus I consider you people my friends and I'm not exactly a popular person in real life so yeah...here we go.

Anyway back in 2004-2005 my Mother was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, if not treated she could of died and the medication had a slight chance of making her homicidal/suicidal. It struck a major blow with me since my mother is pretty much my best friend, the closet person in my life. Well she went on the medication which made her miserable/sick and sometimes angry for an entire year, in the latter year of 2005, she beat it. Months later she was diagnosed with Leukemia, just right after defeating this illness again it struck a blow with me.

She is in remission with the cancer thanks to the medicne she took and has stayed that way for awhile, but there is a chance it could return but hasn't happened yet. Later she was diagnosed but was always suspected by my father to have Bi-Polar and she does, type two. It sends her into a high state, makes her more creative, active, lacking sleep, and impulses to invest in shady or not smart ventures. In her case it was gambling and she did this constantly to the point where it affected us all and hit me deep on an emotional level, enough to cry. She continued to gamble after repeated pleas and begs from me not too but she didn't, she kept abusing my trust until I got sick of it and confronted her with it. So far she did well for two weeks, again she gambled tonight and my disappointment with her came rushing back.

So my mom has gone two-three years of constant illness and despair and I have been a changed person from it. I've been constantly angry and conflicted for a long time ago, sometimes at her for her gambling and neglect, sometimes at myself and sometimes just at random just to feel something. This has added to me not posting much in general on the forum and just shying away from everything. I've not wanted to tell you guys for a long time now, but I decided to tell everyone, it might sound selfish but sounds of support would do me a lot of good right now then silence and my conflicted and angry thoughts.

I don't know how many of you believe in god, I'm a Christian person and pray for my mom, I hope through the act of god she gets better. If you believe in god or not, pray for her to get better. Your thoughts will do her good and me a world of good.

There are other problems, my dad has a few issues of himself that is affecting me but I don't want to talk about that.
With all that’s happened over the years I've changed a bit and it’s shattered my point of comfort that I had here, I never thought a shitstorm like this would come one after another, it’s unreal.

So yeah that explains my absence, thanks for listening.

[Pu the Owl]

You didn't need to explain your absence, but I think people who got to know you will appreciate you decided to do it.

In these cases there is not much to say, apart from the usual "I'm sorry" kind of comment, which doesn't mean I'm not actually sorry for you. It means it's probably a useless thing to say, since it will not bring you comfort at all.

I also had some family issues in the past three years: my father, who was already a not healthy person and who was already battling against gradually increasing blindness, had two strokes that left him partly invalidated - not on a physical, but mainly on a mental level - and my mother underwent surgical cancer removal and months of chemotherapy. It's been hard, and there's still high chance of the same conditions returning in the next future. Other people close to me also had their dose of misfortunes. Everybody was in continuous state of tension, everybody was trying to grab some helping hand without having to leave the secure shelter of despair. In cases where family members have to face a serious illness or situation, you realize you have no time or will to keep yourself interested with many activities. You also think, maybe on a less conscious level, people have lives you don't know anything about, and as you don't know about them, they don't know about you. But trying to explain everytime, to tell somebody you don't feel like being your usual self is also something you don't feel like doing. you end being more and more isolated, and if this seems good from many points of view, because you feel partly justified for not getting involved in anything outside your private life, it also can be very difficult, because, yes, we all need a minute or two to hear something reassuring, even if also a banal word from a complete stranger. We all need to know everything's going to be better, that there is sanity behind the madness and cruelty of illness, behind the deception and the anguish it constantly generates, being this a lie or a truth. It takes time to recover from anything, and I think persons around diseased or ill people are the most unfortunate, after all. Because they even feel deprived of their right to have a life that can be damaged or changed forever, because sometimes they are also stripped of their more natural and best qualities without the possibility of being excused.

You said you've changed a lot. It would be hard to believe one can stay the same and go through life completely unaffected in a situation like yours. I'm sure you are a valuable person and you will be doing ok, both in moments when things are going better and in moments when everything seems impossible. I'm not very close to you, but you've always looked like a person one can count on. I'm sure your mother knows it in her times of despair. I'm sure she doesn't ever forget that. Being ill implies also a dose of broken promises and cheating. But feeling you have somebody around who cares, who's willing to do whatever, that's a consciousness that is always with you. In moments of rage and selfishness you can deny it, you can say you're completely alone, that nobody cares and nobody matters, but it still is part of yourself. I don't know, but I suppose your mother knows it too. Your role is very important in her life, given her conditions. But don't give everything you have away, always keep a little of hope and pleasure for things you like with you. Always. Changing is one thing, losing everything that is important for you and your well-being and giving up is another. Love and affection don't have to be your own annihilation. This can never be.

I wish you all the best and I'm looking forward to some more of your posting, when you feel like it

[Hylas]

I'm very sorry for your bad situation Beretta! Nobody deserves such things to happen in their lives, and it's especially bad when someone nice has them happening! I cannot do much, but I'd like to send a virtual hug to you and to your family! I hope everything will get better with the passing of time! For now you must try cheer up, also because your family needs it! It's difficult, but you can do it! I'm sure you have people caring about you in a way or another. If you feel lonely, it's not much, but you can always come here and talk to somebody. I'm not good with advice, but I will do my best listen to you if you need somebody to talk to

[Faile]

I'm sorry for your situation. It's always pretty hard to express sorrow for a situation sincerely, and I find that words can always be a clumsy medium with which to express a feeling such as sorrow, but still, I am sorry for your situation. And also yours Panuru, with my apologies again if I've failed to convey the correct emotions through my typing. I've raged at the family, mine especially. About the injustice of having to spend time locked within the walls with people I don't always feel love or admiration for; who are as flawed as every other one of us when society is telling us constantly that these people have to be infallable. It's a sad day when you realise that your parents aren't gods. Sadly now, I find myself switching away from the family. I don't want to have my own children, because I don't want to curse them with my genes. I don't want to continue the family line. I want an end to it all. I'd hate to be disconnected from my children in the way I feel disconnected from my father. I feel love and occasional admiration for him, but I can't reconcile that with his actions. When he called me to inform me of his failed suicide, I couldn't help but gloat that I'd have gotten it right, but still, a selfish act. Especially as I had just come out of hospital after nearly losing an eye. I remember being sedated in the hospital room with him apparently joking about overdosing. The mind seems to have gone on to rationalise this behaviour, but in retrospect, it was pretty far out.
Be well xx

[Harry]

As Panuru said, you really did not need to justify yourself to us. As you can see, many have left this community: some because of arguments they had with other members, others simply because of the inactivity of the main website - it is normal. This said, I appreciate you took the time to write this thread, and even more that you decided to share with us the things you had to deal with during these years.

I also do not have many friends in "real life", but I have always considered some of you Ps2Fantasy.com's old timers as friends, and, in a way, as part of my life. You cannot imagine how often I discuss with Panuru and the others about things some of the members of this community have posted in these forums. You are one of those personalities we have learnt to appreciate the most. Just to make a tiny example, I swear that whenever I see a Wii, I cannot help but think about the post you wrote a while ago about you and your parents playing together with the console, and having fun with it, or about your mother, and then your dad, waiting with you in line to grab a console at launch. These may seem like small things, but there was such a warmth in that thread that made me think you really had a great family. This shows through all your posts, through the way you behave and write, through all the little things one learns to notice when he has been living half his life on the Internet. Your parents seem to have cared about you not only as a son, but also as a person, and this is something so rare (it seems to me that most of the times parents are just strangers or idiots when it comes to take care of their sons) it's worth fighting for, like you are doing.

I know that illness can change a person. We all react in different ways to pain and suffering. On one side, you have the person that's suffering because of the illness, and on the other you have the persons close to her, that care about her, but feel powerless, also because of the increased difficulty in communicating. Pain, affliction, hardships, worries always create a wall around us that's difficult for others to penetrate, a wall that can become fear, and then anger. You are a human being, and you can do little about it. Your anger is a natural reaction, a revolt against the weight life has imposed on your (young) shoulders, so do not blame yourself about it. Just remember that, after all, your anger comes from the simple fact you love your mother. She must know it.

But Panuru already gave you the most precious advice: even in front of the darkest discomfort, protect the things you believe in, the passions that also your parents seem to have encouraged, those things you love and that, in the end, define your personality. Treasure them, always, also for the sake of those that love you.

And do not feel bad because you decided to write this post and ask the help and support of people here. Neruda once wrote:

"Dies slowly he who destroys his self-love,
who does not accept somebody's help."

[Berserker]

What can I say more, can't think of anything relevant...at times like these my knowledge of the english language isn't sufficient. All I have to say is my thoughts are with you all, stay strong.

[Frozen]

Hey brother,

Your situation is way bigger than posting in any forum, even one as cool as this one.

Life is full of mysery, and those shitstorms you speak of usually come in stacks, just like it happened to you and your mom.

That change that you speak of, about yourself, you will see that it will be for a greater good in the end. Rough experiences are what make you grow as a person, going through shit and then later laughing at it after you surpassed it will show you that you are not a boy any longer, but a man.

All I can tell you about your mom is that her issues are deeper than her force of will. Do not frustrate on the repeated acts that disappoint you, although this certainly is some tough shit for you, it's probably much worse for her.

Loco, remember that everyone has issues, we are all human, we all make mistakes, and we all are bound to be affected by tragedy, that is how this freakin life is, but also like you mentioned, this bs has made you get out of your comfort zone, and only when you move out of that comfort zone is when you get better at anything, if you are comfortable where you're at it means you are not growing and you are not advancing, this applies to any aspect of life.

I do not pray to a Patriarchical God like I used to when I was younger, but I will keep you and your family in my own way of prayer. I really wish you and yours the best, be strong and remember to stand by your loved ones as your support is probably the best they could ever ask for. And no matter the outcome, remember, it will only make you a wiser, a stronger, a better person.

Best,

Frozen.

[Beretta55]

Hey everyone, yeah I did kind of just hide away again, but I did want to take time to think over things more and at other times just do something else like playing a videogame to take my mind off things. Getting my three wisdom teeth left taken out on Monday also added to me not being around, once you take enough pain medication you tend to sleep a lot just to make the pain go away.

I wanted to thank everyone for their words, none of you should ever feel your words do very little, and they really mean a lot to me. I don't really have very many friends in real life and any real sense of belonging in general other then this place so your words mean a lot. Things have gotten better, my mom hasn't gambled in weeks and the only time she has is when it crosses with her business. Her business makes her go very many places to recruit more people into her Arbonne business, sometimes she recruits people for Arbonne at a casino and last week she went to a company meeting in Las Vegas so expecting her not to gamble was stupid. Even then she gambled very little and is getting better. I still have some lingering feelings but I'm all things considered "normal" right now, things are finally in a state of normal, something this house hasn't seen for three years.

I don't know if worse things are to come, because if they are then I'll just have to take them since I have no real way of escaping this house. Being home schooled and not having a driver license makes me stuck here, and that means dealing when they are at their worst. But things have calmed down and I'm not angry as much. I'll probably still have that feeling linger within me for a while but that doesn't get in the way knowing I need to help my mother through this, which I have done from the start and will continue to do so.

So in conclusion, I'm okay and I'm doing fine. Again thank you for your words everyone they really do mean a lot to me.

[Berserker]

Great news Beretta! Glad to hear things have taken a turn for the better!
Wisdom teeth...I remember those...had to have them removed in hospital because of the placement in my jaw...it was one of the worst pains I've ever felt.... The pain medication they gave me rocked though, made me completely numb and didn't feel a thing

[merylsilverburg]

Originally Posted by Faile

It's a sad day when you realise that your parents aren't gods.

It's not always easy to admit, believe, or see that your parents has flaws. However, I think this is also when you realize you're an adult. The ability to see the faults within your parents is a sign of maturity and a sign of using your own true judgement. This is not always a bad thing...I first discovered this in my teenage years and it was sort of a good feeling.

Beretta, I'm sorry about your situation. The illnesses that has afflicted your mother one after the other is incredibly difficult to bear. It's hard to share these sort of things because on one hand, you want to release your feelings but on the other hand, it seems pointless to do so. But it's good that you did because it does relieve some of the pain you're feeling, even for a short while.

Also, your hiding away or playing games is not something to be ashamed of. Everyone going through hard times need to get away from it all, again, even if it's for a short while. During a certain bad year, my sister used to be away from home for long hours into the night. After school, she'd just go out with her friends or hide away at the library to do work or relax. I understand your situation of not being able to "run away" because I couldn't either. I was very young then, so I had to stay home. I would watch my mother fall into pits of depression or encounter moments when my mom and dad would start fighting violently, throwing things at each other, all that stuff. It's hard to run away when you really can't so I would play games too or invent imaginary friends (right, I'm a dork ) just to make things easier. So, it's natural to want to escape so you shouldn't apologize for your absence or feeling odd for escaping through games, books, or writing stories.

What Harry had said about your family moments is actually quite true. It's rare to hear stories of close families nowadays so your stories of your family moments are great (especially to those with broken households) and it seems like you guys will get through anything because of your closeness. Also, this is very important (at least to me): your mother is going through tough things. But, I think it's great that, even though you may not think you're being effective enough, your mother has actually attempted to stop her acts. Why? Because of you. She actually loves and cares about you enough to realize that her ways are putting a burden on you. So, even though her manic state can make her uncontrollable, she is actually and has attempted to try to fight against this. So, I hope this brings you a bit of comfort to know that your mother is still aware of you and your feelings. So very rare.

I've heard somewhere that harsh things are given to those who are the strongest. Well, I don't know if this is necessarily true or not but if we are to believe this, then I believe that this situation, while unfair to the extreme, is an important sign of your worth. Despite all of this, I think you're a very strong person because you're still doing incredibly well over these years and I know that you and your family will be able to get through this, though it may not seem like it now.

I'm glad to hear that things have slightly looked up. Don't be afraid to share again once in a while because, as you can already see, no one is judging you and has given you great comforting words. So share next time you need to release your emotions.