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[Redpyramidhead]

Oh wow... what a surprise... neither of them were insulted about what i had to say... and look proof that meryl asked me to look at the thread!? WOW!

_RED_ stuff

[merylsilverburg]

Originally Posted by Redpyramidhead

Meryl told me she had had a "spat" with mena and she was worried about it and she directed me to read this thread so that I WOULD understand what it was about.

Yes, this is true, but perhaps I should've said "misunderstanding" instead of "spat" because I didn't realize the word "spat" would have been mistaken for "fighting" or something very negative like that. This is my fault and I apologize. And yes, I did direct you to read this thread only because it was too complicated for me to sum it up in that little space on those MSN messenger things without interruptions. I didn't think that you would've felt so strongly about this...but then again, I should've known you are very passionate about these things which is why I now regret even filling you in on these things. Stupid me...again, this was my fault and again, I apologize.

Originally Posted by Redpyramidhead

Now, please, I would appreciate it if people wouldn't jump to conclusions about me and the way I try to offer a little help to my friends. Sorry, Rei, if it sounds like I overreacted, but your post was the last thing I expected to see. Makes me wonder how well I am understood by ppl who do not know me better.

There's no need to snap at Rei like that. It's true that she did jump to conclusions without knowing what was really going on, but because she doesn't know you as well or the situation at hand, what else could she expect when you post out something like that? And the part I underlined, well, what do you expect? Of course people who don't know you as well would probably misunderstand you and whatnot.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

Overall, however, I see him pretty little. But my point was that he always seems to manage to always miss events that are important for me. What you are telling me is that it is okay because he works and that I have to understand that. Well, I do understand but I do not agree with you for a second.

It was from your very first post which is why I misunderstood your whole thing about "working." The way you said it, about he can never make it because he "has to work" (especially with the quotation marks) left me with the impression that you are unhappy because he "has to work" which, to me, sounds like "Geez, why does he have to work?" sort-of-thing. Naturally, from the sound of things, it makes me angry because, well, you should know how work-obsessed I am and you should know how jobs/careers are extremely important to me, so naturally, I get pissed when people say things like this.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

This is all great and good, but he's not the type of dad who will say, "Hey, I'm not working Sunday, wanna go out to eat?" Nope.

And yes, I wish he would do that every now and then. Or maybe not even that, but it would be nice if I'm say, graduating from HS, and he says, "I'll be there." Instead of, "Sorry, can't go. Lemme watch the movie."

I hate how my mom has to do sooo much and my dad so little. I hate how my mom, despite all her worries, always manages to be there when I need her and my dad, well, he just can't.

We never have been that close. But just because we aren't doesn't mean this is the way I want it. Unfortunately, this is the way things are and I can't really do anything about them. I do wish he were there and I hate how work is more important that his only child.

I know he has to work, but he works like crazy. He can't stop. He works as if we had nothing to eat, yet thankfully we do. Sometimes it feels to me that he works in order to not be here because being here is probably more difficult than his work.

Well, no offense, but all these sound like your father isn't really good at being a father (which is what I already said at the beginning) and whether he does care or not, he's not very good at showing it. And if it seems like he cares more about work or enjoys going to work to avoid being with the family (thus equaling having to be "involved" with family matters which, oh, must be so painful for guys like him ), then again, the guy doesn't sound like a very good dad at all. And yes, you and I are extremely different: if it were me, as I've said in previous posts, I would even care about the guy at all. I wouldn't care whether or not he's there, whether or not he's alive or dead, whether or not he really loves us, etc. Yes, I am pretty much cold-hearted and you are not, because you actually wonder or care about these things...I just didn't realize that you genuinely are as sensitive as you say because I always knew you were a strong person, but I guess you are only strong at certain situations (this is not an insult, by the way, so please do not misunderstand me).

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

And you know, I am so sorry you go through all those things.

First off, I don't really give a flying f*ck whether people "feel for me" or "feel sorry that I went through stuff" because I honestly wouldn't even say all that about my own father or situations if it were not for this situation where I was trying to make a point (meaning, I used my own past experiences in order to explain my points better). There are plenty more things that have happened that I won't share because why should I? They're my things and they're my troubles, what's the need to share them with the entire world or even close friends, for that matter? And do not think for one second that I am describing all my past experiences as a "pity-me" act because I cannot stand these sort of things or people who do this so I would never do this myself.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

And it's great that you have the strength, but don't think that you are the only one that can handle it. I can too and I have handled it. Because I post about my dislike makes me somehow immature? I don't think so.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

We never have been that close. But just because we aren't doesn't mean this is the way I want it. Unfortunately, this is the way things are and I can't really do anything about them. I do wish he were there and I hate how work is more important that his only child.

As for you saying "don't think that you are the only one that can handle it. I can too and I have handled it" and the underlined part...alright, so you have the strength to handle these situations and have handled it and if things are the way they are and there's nothing you can do about it...then why do you feel so saddened by it still? You should be used to it by now and have gotten stronger or have more strength to deal with it and know that this is the way it is so what's the point of being sad or unhappy? There are other people who are in the same situation (not necessarily father-related things) of either having to accept/deal with the events at hand or just shrivel up and not do anything and you know what? They would have to choose the first option. Why? Because that's the way life is, you either accept it or you don't. If you choose to accept it, then don't complain or feel emotional because you yourself have chosen it. If you don't accept it, then fine, complain all you want, but don't go around blaming others because you chose not to accept it. It's the same thing with women who believe their boyfriend/husband/fiance/etc/ will "change over the years." *cough* my mom *cough* Hello? The guy is never going to change, why can't you accept it? But no, they believe the guy will change, then when he doesn't, they go off and complain about it but refuse to accept the choice they made to be with the guy, but blame the fact that the guy never changed.

[merylsilverburg]

Previous message too long...

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

And personally, I am not one to smile and pretend everything is alright. I hate it and I won't take it. Whenever the situations come up, I walk away or ignore them. I absolutely hate having to pretend I have a super-supper family and lie about it. I won't. If people want to believe it, then they can but I'm not going to be a factor in their misunderstanding. If you can deal with it, then it's admirable because I could not stand it. I mean, I'm not a total ass and sometimes I do say things like, "Yeah, my dad sure does a lot." But I'm not going jump in and say that he's great and awesome if I don't think so.

So no, I don't agree. And I don't think we have to pretend either. Life can suck sometimes but if we are always pretending that it doesn't then we are degrading ourselves that much more.

Is that right? And do you also apply this way of thinking into dealing with the rest of the world/life/careers/etc. as well? If so, well then all I have to say is 'good luck' because if you refuse to pretend that some amount of your life is good or a situation is good when it's not, then you're going to have a very hard time with other people that are not your family or close friends. You are also more likely to get manipulated by people because they all know the way you are: you can't hide your emotions because you refuse to; you don't want to pretend. If you're angry, you're angry, so what? So, you let it out; you show the world. So, when you are at your job and you've got some co-workers who don't like you as much and they see how easily you show your emotions, oh no, they won't think of some way to manipulate you at your most vulnerable point in order to "get your goat." And then, once they do, you blow up/become sad or unfocused/etc. and don't you think that won't cause you to look weak to your boss or your other co-workers?

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

You know me more than anyone else here and know me a lot better than most overall. My family is large, yes, but at the same time, it's so small. You know how I have never been able to rely on my brothers or sister for affection, partly because they are only my half brothers because of my mom. It's always been that much harder for me. So who do I really have? My mom and dad. And it's hard when you only have two people and one of them can't even be there.

Yes, I understand this and I know all about your family and the rest. I do understand that you could never rely on your brothers and sisters and I do know that you are not very close with them except for your one brother (and even so, not that close). And I do know that you depend or as you said, highly esteem, your parents and I know that it's painful when they, the only two people you rely on, are, well...unreliable. I do understand this, really. Again, not to be all like "Look-at-Meryl's-Situation" but it was the same thing with me when I was younger; out of my family of 4 (including me) I could only rely on my mom and my sister. Of course, I wasn't able to...my mom went through her bouts of depression, losing complete focus on everything and she had to work late, my sister always ran out and stayed out till the wee hours of the morning hanging out with friends to avoid home and she worked late as well, and my dad....well, he does what he does best: cause more problems, yay! So, what else could I do? I relied on myself and I had to take care of myself but it wasn't easy (and let me tell you, without parental assistance, all of these situations caused me to join the bad crowds, if you know what I mean). At these times, I got angry that my mom and my sister were loopy or irresponsible or acting like f*cking retards and I also wished that they were there when I needed them. So yes, I do understand...but at least you have your mom even if your dad is never there. And while it's not exactly what you wanted, you should be very satisfied that at least you have one person who is there for you. And in my opinion, that person is the most important and most worthwhile your care and attention.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

However, they are the ones that decided to have children.

Yes, this is true...they are the ones who've decided to have children, so they shouldn't completely disregard their kid when they're the ones who wanted to have a child in the first place. But, some parents don't have a kid on purpose with the intention to abandon them while they're in their teens or whatnot. Situations change; they wanted to have kids because they love kids...they think they would always be there for their kids...but then, something happens which causes them to either not be available for the children or they just begin to lose "interest" <-- horrible thing, but it happens. So whatever the situation may be, blaming our parents with the whole "Well! You're the ones who wanted to have kids!" isn't exactly the right thing to do because you don't know what they intended at the time they wanted to have children.

Originally Posted by Redpyramidhead

Oh wow... what a surprise... neither of them were insulted about what i had to say... and look proof that meryl asked me to look at the thread!? WOW!

_RED_ stuff

Man, just chill out already, okay? Are people not allowed to makes mistakes or something?

[Redpyramidhead]

OK... I was in a bad mood last night... my apologies for snapping at anyone. I guess am just out of touch and clueless at the moment. I thought for sure that there was this big thing going on between you Meryl and Mena and cuz of the way you kept going on and on it only lead me to think more on along the lines of "oh geez... im worried about these two now... I know mostly from Mena that she and Meryl are very very close and she almost thinks of her as an older sister at times... the one she never had..." etc and so I was worried that because of a misunderstanding the two of you might have haulted being able to talk to eachother so of course I was like "STOP THIS" you know what I mean? I guess nothing nearly as dramatic as I was worried was going on, but that's what I thought and was how I responded. Sorry for being on the dumb side this time around. Sigh...

BTW, Im sorry we couldnt talk longer online that night. My buddy called me and he's a busy guy usually n the fact he is one of the few ppl who takes tha time to call me these days... well I had to and wanted to talk to him. Otherwise, had he not called, I would have talked to you more about what was going on because from the look of things it seemed to me that you were upset about the situation and I wanted to help a friend out by listening... which is why I had hoped you had been on but a half hour later, but oh well.

And Rei, sorry for snapping. If you knew what had been bothering me last night in my personal life... well that's what made me displace some of my anger. It was pretty unnecessary to go off on anyone like that, I agree.

Well, I guess I missed the boat on this whole thing, so I guess I will just try and stay out of it unless somebody specifically asks me for a comment.

PEACE

_RED_ stuff



_RED_ stuff

[Redpyramidhead]

Originally Posted by merylsilverburg

I just didn't realize that you genuinely are as sensitive as you say because I always knew you were a strong person, but I guess you are only strong at certain situations (this is not an insult, by the way, so please do not misunderstand me).

Dont worry... I don't think mena would misunderstand and I'm not misunderstanding either, but I would just like to say that I have this strong belief that people can be both strong and sensitive at the same time. The balance is hard to achieve and makes many people want to give up, which is why a lot of people tend to go one way or the other, but one of my biggest ideals in life is the balance between strength and sensitivity and the belief that they can coexist and work together in one's life. Believe me, I have battled trial after trial that has caused me to slide one way or the other with my sensitivity taking over or my so called strength while pretending I don't feel. I have found that one doesnt truly exist in your life without the other without it having negative effects. Atleast, this is the case for me and most people I know. There are different levels of functioning and balancing the two I recognize, also. One must adapt to thier ever changing situations at points in their life. Whoa... ranting here... umm sorry for the interruption... sneaks out the back door...

_RED_ stuff

[Lost_myth]

Mark is right. This isn't the best place to spill your emotions. It is better if you and the person you are frustrated with just work it out or compromise. Just telling other people how you feel, who have nothing to do with the situation, only gives you temporary relief but it won't fix the problem in the end. So you are suck feeling the way you do over and over again until you and your loved one works on the relationship. Trust me, you can ask mark, I've been through all of this sh*t since I was like 13.

You might as well sit down and try to relearn eachother because I'm sure both or how many of you have changed. And the other person may not see the changes or know who you are anymore. So how can you deal with eachother in a positive way if you don't know eachother?

My two cents, this isn't a good idea.

[Faile]

Coming back on topic somewhat, but continuing a father based theme, my relationship with my father has always been a great source of sadness in my life. Since he left me at ten, I've always really lacked the central paternal figure in my life. It took me many many years to forgive him for leaving in the manner he did (oh, too much to go into here, although it's possibly responsible for my hatred of the male gender), but I think I've forgiven him now. Although some things still burn, like the fact I still need to ask him for money and the guilt it causes me, because I hate to think of the fact that he is only that; someone to bail me out when I have no money. I'm sad and bitter and jealous altogether; he remarried and had a daughter. It's hard to watch a child grow up with the stability and love you've lacked somewhat and see said child lavished and happy, knowing what security and stability is. But I've forgiven him and I do love my father, just in a strange tarnished way. I don't think I'd ever want children of my own. I'd ruin them.

Strange to be typing this here, but why not? I was inspired by the thread content. Complication indeed.

Mother I've tried please believe me, I'm doing the best that I can.
I'm ashamed of the things I've been put through, I'm ashamed of the person I am.

[happy_doughnut]

Gah, I don't like quoting... it's too much work.

Anyways, well... I think this is a misunderstanding by the way things have been said. Personally, I never thought this to be a fight or anything... there have been some misunderstandings but mainly just differences in opinions. And well, I think I can speak for both meryl and me when I say that we would like to think ourselves civilized enough to have differences in opinions, discuss them, and remain the same. I think her no less my friend because of this; the opposite is true. I think she may agree.

As for emmotions... well, I think the only "emmotional" posts were probably the firsts where the complications were posted, not these latter ones as these are just kinda expressing two different view points.

This is to say... no, I'm not going to sit down with my dad and try to work it out because, ahh... how to say it? It has been so many years that even if I tried and so did he, it would be a matter of more years to set the record sraight. In this case, I don't think words alone suffice.

And meryl: I really dislike the post you made in reply to one of Red's quotes. It's not your fault. From what I read, you probably asked him to read the thread since its hard to explain everything that went on in a small messenger box. Plus, it's easier to make things get more complicated that way. You probably figured it was best if he read it himself to understand what misunderstanding you were talking about. I don't see how that is your fault. Maybe he is the one that misunderstood the thread and whatever he says, happy or angry, is up to him. It's not your fault if he or anyone else says something rude or whatnot. Don't take fault; you made none.

Anyways, continuing this discussion of the different ways parents can be seen...

... and picking up along the lines red talked about...

I disagree again. You're telling me you can't be sensitive and strong at the same time? That's wrong. As red said, it is a fine line indeed, but it is possible. By me saying that I am sensitive (or you saying it) I mean that these things are important to me and that I do care. It does not mean that I cry and rant and whine and put on tantrum after tantrum every chance I get because I don't. That's not even being sensitive, that's just stupid. But thankfully, I have the strength to acknowledge that I do in fact care about the situations that permeate my family, my mom and dad, admit my feelings, namely and mostly to myself, and then let them go.

It's true that there is always a sence of vacancy in me because the spot where my dad is supposed to be is empty nearly all of the time, but it's not like everything breathing moment I think about this. No. It's only when they happen that I feel, remember, and regret. After it, I am alright.

I don't dwell on the memories that are not even there all of the time. There is so much to worry about in this life that doting on a single worry if meaningless; the world will pass you by. And I faithfully believe that life is a huge struggle, but that without any such struggle, then there will be no reward.

These are my struggles. The times when I feel like I wish... just wish I could cry and grab my dad's arm and tell him I don't accept his decline, but I can't. It is not my place. I can only account for what I do, say, feel, think etcetera... not for anyone else. So I sigh. I sigh because I think, "Great... so, what else is new?" And yes, I feel sad. And I feel even sadder when I see the empty seats next to my mother on those special days. But after it, I am okay. As I said before, there is nothing I can do because I am here; it is my dad who is not. And well, I just won't force him to come if he so doesn't wish. It's just not the way I am.

This sounds like weakness to you? Not to me. I am not comparing myself to a rock, mainly because of the extra flab I have been getting around the sides.... ... because I am not. But I am also not your teary eyed teen-going-to-adult. I am sensitive in that I feel a rush of something whenever I get displeasing news. This can be seen by my momentary inability to hold anything in my hand at the time. But I also have enough "strength" or whatever you want to call it to feel it and acknowledge that I am feeling it and let it go.

I didn't let it go because I ranted? Well, everyone rants. Here, there, anywhere, or everywhere - everyone does it at one time or another. If by me feeling upset and saying it makes me "weak" then anyone that rants is weak.

And you are getting something wrong. My emotions and outside situations are two different things. Don't confuse or try to mix them together. My feelings are exclusive meaning that well, I try not to talk about them much. Not because it's cool or because no one will understand or whatever, but simply because I don't like to. There are only a few people, namely 2, that I tell most of my things to and you know who those are. Not everything, but much more than anyone else because I feel free to do so. Now for everyone else, I don't "pretend" I am okay; I just don't say anything. My feelings have nothing to do with anyone else, meaning that if I feel like shit, it doesn't mean I go out and bit everyone's heads off. It's not pretending, it's reasoning. It's as if, for example, I am angry because the apple tastes bad. This doesn't mean I'm going to be angry at the peaches and oranges. It's not their fault so why should they be entwined? I don't see this as pretending that everything is fine. Pretending I think comes into play when you are boiling inside and you smiiiiile even though you want to cry and when people ask "are you okay?" you say "YES!!" Exggerated to make a point of course.

With me, though... I don't have to do this because I know how I feel. I'm mad so I cuss everything visible to hell in my head and then I hear someone call my name. What do I do? I just go. I don't need to put on an angry face or a happy face. Shit. I only have one freaking face and this is the one I put on all the time. Most of the time I just look sleepy so I guess that's why no one even bothers to ask.

So, nah. I don't pretend. I just take control as much as I can. What if someone asks... well, they don't because they can never tell but if it were to happen, I suppose I would say, "Hm? Do you want me to be angry?"

It's all technique.

What I mean about pretending is this: Say X wins something which I know and X knows s/he doesn't desserve. S/He gets much acclaim. I just don't jump in on the bandwagon. I just won't be a hypocrite. Will that get me fired? Maybe. I don't see why anyone would fire me for not applauding someone's congratulations of whom I don't approve. That simple. I will not, I have not and I never plan to, lie to myself and say, "Ohh, yeah. That X sure is great." There are plenty of people who think differently, so they can fill in the job.

And to tell you the truth. Up until today, I have yet to be reprimanded for my being this way. It's just not wrong - I'm not doing anything wrong. I just won't put on a plastic face and pretend I agree with someone or something in order to please.

And I don't play manipulation games anymore. I've seen them in all their dirty faces. Maybe this is why I have such distant relationships with peeople in general. I won't lie and be lied to. Not anymore... and you know what I mean.

And yeah. I think this is why you understand... because you have gone through things that are similar in a way. It is hard. It is hard to be so young and to feel that there is no one there to help you. Remember my bastard boyfriend incident? Ugh. I wish I didn't. But at that time, more than anything else in the world I wanted someone to be there instead of at work or dealing with other things. It was so hard to get through that virtually alone. Why? I knew that maybe if I had said something, someone would have helped, that person being my mom. But as you say and as I have said too, it feels bad to go to someone who already has their own bundle of problems with your own. It's hard and after not doing so for such a long time, doing it would somehow be even harder.

[happy_doughnut]

Sorry for the double post. I somehow managed to go over the limit.

Ouch meryl. I'm an unwanted baby. Haha. That's so mean, but so true. As far as I go, I was planned! Although, my dad wanted a boy... and my mom wanted a girl... In their sted, they got me: a hybrid of boy and girl.

So, yeah... they wanted me, dammit! Don't leave me live a vegetable to grow myself. Hmph!

And I don't pity you. I never have. There are many things that are admirable of you, so don't say that. I am sorry that you go through all the things you tell me, not because I pity you, but because I care and I honest to goodness don't believe you desserve them, so I feel bad. Bad because, again, not of pity, but of sadness that it seems as if the better people in this world seem to get battered the most. This is a type of cosmic irony that I will never understand.

And plus, you know that I think you as my friend and by now you ought to know that pity, in my opinion, is a sign of an enemy, not a friend.

If my dad a good dad? I don't know. I don't have another dad to compare him with... but I do feel that he lacks in places. Sometimes he fails to fulfill his role. But even though, I still believe that someday things will seem different. Nothing ever lasts forever. And maybe this will too someday change.

I only have one dad and while he may be the cause of my profane language sometimes, I still love him. I don't know why. I love how Faile put it: it's a strange and tarnished love.

Maybe I'm just another stupid idealist, but I still wait for the day when I get his embrace because I will welcome it.

I think that maybe it takes years of experience to better understand parental love and dis-love. There's a Chinese proverb that say something along the lines of, "To understand your parent's love, bear your own children." Maybe only when the child becomes the mother or father will they better understand what the parents did... the "why" that is always oh, so difficult to answer... for better or for worse. Or maybe all we have to do is age more and understand more the complexities a "real" adult (in age) goes through and how they emit them onto others.

Who knows?

[Redpyramidhead]

I just wanted to say that I LOVE ALL OF YOU! *GROUP HUG*


_RED_ stuff

[Redpyramidhead]

Originally Posted by Faile

Since he left me at ten, I've always really lacked the central paternal figure in my life. It took me many many years to forgive him for leaving in the manner he did (oh, too much to go into here, although it's possibly responsible for my hatred of the male gender), but I think I've forgiven him now. [/i]

Never apologize for being a man, brother. Especially not to a woman. It is your god- given right to be who you are. Remember that, man. ALWAYS. Occasionally we owe women apologies for other things, but NEVER for being MALE and who we are and the way we act because of it. PEACE, man!!!

_RED_ stuff

[merylsilverburg]

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

Anyways, well... I think this is a misunderstanding by the way things have been said. Personally, I never thought this to be a fight or anything... there have been some misunderstandings but mainly just differences in opinions. And well, I think I can speak for both meryl and me when I say that we would like to think ourselves civilized enough to have differences in opinions, discuss them, and remain the same. I think her no less my friend because of this; the opposite is true. I think she may agree.

Yes, to me, these were all misunderstandings but as you said, it's more like differences in opinions.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

This is to say... no, I'm not going to sit down with my dad and try to work it out because, ahh... how to say it? It has been so many years that even if I tried and so did he, it would be a matter of more years to set the record sraight. In this case, I don't think words alone suffice.

Even though I said earlier to try talking with him, now that I think about it, it might not even work out anyway, not to be pessimistic. I mean, if the guy absolutely refuses or avoids being home like the plague, it's very unlikely he will change in one night because the guy seems rather stubborn and/or in denial of responsibilities.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

And meryl: I really dislike the post you made in reply to one of Red's quotes. It's not your fault. From what I read, you probably asked him to read the thread since its hard to explain everything that went on in a small messenger box. Plus, it's easier to make things get more complicated that way. You probably figured it was best if he read it himself to understand what misunderstanding you were talking about. I don't see how that is your fault. Maybe he is the one that misunderstood the thread and whatever he says, happy or angry, is up to him. It's not your fault if he or anyone else says something rude or whatnot. Don't take fault; you made none.

Ah well, it was my fault because I should've known the way Red is by now so I shouldn't have said anything that would've caused him to be concerned or having to come in between to help the situation.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

I disagree again. You're telling me you can't be sensitive and strong at the same time? That's wrong. As red said, it is a fine line indeed, but it is possible. By me saying that I am sensitive (or you saying it) I mean that these things are important to me and that I do care. It does not mean that I cry and rant and whine and put on tantrum after tantrum every chance I get because I don't. That's not even being sensitive, that's just stupid. But thankfully, I have the strength to acknowledge that I do in fact care about the situations that permeate my family, my mom and dad, admit my feelings, namely and mostly to myself, and then let them go.

You misunderstood what I said about "being sensitive" and "being strong." I never said that people could not be sensitive and strong at the same time, but in your case, I always knew you were a strong person and you always tell me that you're quite sensitive, but I never really "believed" you because I always think that you're feeling down when you say those things, but in reality, you know you are a strong person, so you don't dwell too much on these "sensitive" subjects. But now, I know that you are a strong person, but feel very strongly about these sensitive sort of subjects....that was quite repetitive, but I hope you got what I said.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

It's true that there is always a sence of vacancy in me because the spot where my dad is supposed to be is empty nearly all of the time, but it's not like everything breathing moment I think about this. No. It's only when they happen that I feel, remember, and regret. After it, I am alright.

I don't dwell on the memories that are not even there all of the time. There is so much to worry about in this life that doting on a single worry if meaningless; the world will pass you by. And I faithfully believe that life is a huge struggle, but that without any such struggle, then there will be no reward.

For the first paragraph, I understand what you're saying because I also do that too, but it depends on the situation. Regarding my dad, I don't really give a damn because, as I said before, I just have ice running through my veins or something because I just don't feel so saddened or strongly about this especially since my father is such an *******. As for the second paragraph, I have to say that I'm relieved to hear you say that; so many times we've talked it seems like you're always constantly worried about something or something is lingering on your mind...which makes me think that you are like me, who lingers on and on and on about a single problem or something troubling or whatnot. This isn't a good thing to do and while I know this, I can't help but to do this (I got it from my mom, what can I say? Put us together and we're like a couple of depressive maniacs). So I'm relieved that you don't do this because it's terrible for one's health and mind.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

I didn't let it go because I ranted? Well, everyone rants. Here, there, anywhere, or everywhere - everyone does it at one time or another. If by me feeling upset and saying it makes me "weak" then anyone that rants is weak.

I didn't say that people who ranted about these sort of things are considered weak, but as I said before, the context in your very first post made it seem like you are constantly experiencing this problem over and over again and that it wasn't just a simple "one-time rant." Which is why I went off and misunderstood you...I just thought that you just didn't understand the situation at hand (like your father has to work to provide money that's why he can't always be there, etc.) which is why I got a bit angry at you for seemingly not understanding these sort of things but also I got angry out of concern because I didn't want you to misunderstand your father's intentions or this situation because you would forever continue to get upset or angry about this exact same situation ("My dad's never there! I would like him to be there for me!") when it wasn't necessary.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

Now for everyone else, I don't "pretend" I am okay; I just don't say anything. My feelings have nothing to do with anyone else, meaning that if I feel like shit, it doesn't mean I go out and bit everyone's heads off. It's not pretending, it's reasoning. It's as if, for example, I am angry because the apple tastes bad. This doesn't mean I'm going to be angry at the peaches and oranges. It's not their fault so why should they be entwined? I don't see this as pretending that everything is fine. Pretending I think comes into play when you are boiling inside and you smiiiiile even though you want to cry and when people ask "are you okay?" you say "YES!!" Exggerated to make a point of course.

No, it's the same thing. You're describing a situation involving fruit: an unimportant and open subject...of course if you get a bad apple, you're not going to blame the whole world that you got a bad apple. And if someone asks "Hey, how's your apple?" of course in this situation you can say "Ugh, this apple is spoiled!" (not in a blaming way, just in a sharing way because it's okay to share that you had a bad apple because people know it's not their fault). But what if the situation was a personal and important situation where, it's not everyone else's fault and what you're feeling doesn't concern them either, but still, someone asks you "How are you feeling?"...you're going to have to pretend and say "I'm doing fine, thanks!" because this situation doesn't concern them since it's a personal thing, so why bother going off and saying "Omigod, no! I'm not doing fine!"

[merylsilverburg]

I think all of my double-posting could equal half a novel right about now, LOL.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

What I mean about pretending is this: Say X wins something which I know and X knows s/he doesn't desserve. S/He gets much acclaim. I just don't jump in on the bandwagon. I just won't be a hypocrite. Will that get me fired? Maybe. I don't see why anyone would fire me for not applauding someone's congratulations of whom I don't approve. That simple. I will not, I have not and I never plan to, lie to myself and say, "Ohh, yeah. That X sure is great." There are plenty of people who think differently, so they can fill in the job.

You don't see why people would have an attitude with you if you don't applaude Person X for winning something they didn't deserve? Um...I'm not exactly sure why you would think this way because, as you said, only you and Person X knows that Person X didn't deserve to win whatever they won. The rest of the workplace doesn't know that, right? So, if you don't applaude or pretend to applaude Person X even though you know s/he didn't deserve it, everyone will think that you're a bad sport or something and then, guess what? You end up being the "bad guy." Things will end up being bad for your situation, do you not realize this? You're the one who's going to have it tough if you don't pretend. Sure, go ahead and think "Don't worry, karma will bite Person X's ass and things will be set straight" but uh...this rarely happens. I must be honest with you; your way of thinking in this situation is very naive. You cannot be 100% honest all the time...yes, doing this sort of thing is being hypocritical...but the rest of the world doesn't know this. While you're there trying your best not to be hypocritical, Person X is taking all the glory and you end up looking like the "bad guy" which might cause a potential job loss. I mean, maybe it's fun for you to search for jobs constantly, but for most normal people, they like to keep and stick to one job instead of starting over from the bottom again and again and again.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

Ouch meryl. I'm an unwanted baby. Haha. That's so mean, but so true. As far as I go, I was planned! Although, my dad wanted a boy... and my mom wanted a girl... In their sted, they got me: a hybrid of boy and girl.

Wow, you too? O_O;;; In my situation, if my mother had married the "right guy" me and my sister are actually supposed to be guys not girls (that's what a fortune teller in Taiwan told my mom...and yes, this was a real fortune teller not some hokey "Psychic Friends" BS, LOL).

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

And I don't pity you. I never have. There are many things that are admirable of you, so don't say that. I am sorry that you go through all the things you tell me, not because I pity you, but because I care and I honest to goodness don't believe you desserve them, so I feel bad. Bad because, again, not of pity, but of sadness that it seems as if the better people in this world seem to get battered the most. This is a type of cosmic irony that I will never understand.

And plus, you know that I think you as my friend and by now you ought to know that pity, in my opinion, is a sign of an enemy, not a friend.

Gomen. I do have a hard time trusting people a lot of times and the times when I do and I call them my "friends", they end up saying they "pity me" or "aww...poor you...but you're not the only one with problems" when I describe some of my situations, which is why I just wanted to set the record straight that I care not for any pity or any sympathy or whatnot in case anyone misunderstands or claims I desire "attention" or something.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

If my dad a good dad? I don't know. I don't have another dad to compare him with... but I do feel that he lacks in places. Sometimes he fails to fulfill his role. But even though, I still believe that someday things will seem different. Nothing ever lasts forever. And maybe this will too someday change.

I only have one dad and while he may be the cause of my profane language sometimes, I still love him. I don't know why. I love how Faile put it: it's a strange and tarnished love.

Maybe I'm just another stupid idealist, but I still wait for the day when I get his embrace because I will welcome it.

Good grief, with everyone having such a good and/or forgiving heart, I guess I really am just "Bitchy-McBitch" after all. -_-;;; I don't know how you people do it because I certainly would not and will not forgive my dad for all the pain he's caused. I don't care if he's homeless, dying on the street, suffering from a disease, I will never forgive him. The bastard deserved it, so there.

Originally Posted by happy_doughnut

I think that maybe it takes years of experience to better understand parental love and dis-love. There's a Chinese proverb that say something along the lines of, "To understand your parent's love, bear your own children." Maybe only when the child becomes the mother or father will they better understand what the parents did... the "why" that is always oh, so difficult to answer... for better or for worse. Or maybe all we have to do is age more and understand more the complexities a "real" adult (in age) goes through and how they emit them onto others.

Who knows?

I may come off as arrogant for what I'm about to say but: in my case, I don't need to bear my own children nor do I need to age more in order to understand what my mother/parents go through. God, I act like exactly like my mother...I lecture like her, I become worried/concerned like her, I provide advice like her...and some people my age have even thought of me as "motherly" which really just seals the deal, eh? LOL

[Faile]

Originally Posted by merylsilverburg

I may come off as arrogant for what I'm about to say but: in my case, I don't need to bear my own children nor do I need to age more in order to understand what my mother/parents go through. God, I act like exactly like my mother...I lecture like her, I become worried/concerned like her, I provide advice like her...and some people my age have even thought of me as "motherly" which really just seals the deal, eh? LOL

I don't know though. Without meaning to sound patronising and without knowing the situation, I always used to look at my parents and think I could understand the way their minds work, the burdens they've carried or the problems I've caused them, but now it's been about three years since I last lived at home, I've grown used to the problems of adult society and have become far more understanding as to the reality of the life they have lived.

Parents are flawed creatures with all the problems we have, despite the fact we want them to be perfect deep down in our hearts, they will let us down and they will upset us and act selfishly. I sometimes wonder if we all remain as children deep down, unable to really process and deal with things like cooking, paying bills and having somewhere nice to live with a cat and a good book. Certainly though, my experiences of family have convinced me never to become a father, I'd hate to destroy the sheer love and respect a child would hold me in the way it inevitably would happen. I'm sorry, kinda off topic rant again.

Carry on guys!

[Redpyramidhead]

Originally Posted by merylsilverburg

Ah well, it was my fault because I should've known the way Red is by now so I shouldn't have said anything that would've caused him to be concerned or having to come in between to help the situation.

You "...should have known the way Red is by now..."?? *blink* *blink* *blink* Wow.. I think I might be batting zero around here right now... sigh...

_RED_ stuff

[kamari-ice]

Red, you just love being into other people's stuff. Well, I created this thread to let emotions run wild, so I can not say anything against what you did. But, you should have let them handle their own situation. But, some other people are bound to come and speak of their emotions and problems. It betters peoples lives when they talk about things.

[Keyblade Master]

Now for my problems.

I was in 6th period in school, and I'm minding my own business. We had a Sub so the others didn't give a shit about what the teacher did or said.
My rriends cousin, Brian, (aka:Buckwheat) and his friends Jeremy, (Shave-ass) and Dilorian (Steam'n Beaman.) were sitting next to me with Jeremys'
cell phone. I was peacefully playing my SP/Pokemon Emerald in peace,
then out of nowhere, they sit near me and start to interview me, with the cell. I think this is how it went:

Brian: Hello, I'm Brian Gumbull, (Fake name.) and I'm here with Gary Berteer. (Me, yeah right.) Now Mr. Berteer what do you have to say for our audience.

Me: Get that SH#@ away from here!

Brian: Smashing words Mr.Berteer, now let's get some replies from our sivilians. You sir, what do you have to say about Mr.Berteer??

T.A:.......

Me: Shut, up! You don't even know me!!

Brian: Please Calm yourself Mr.Berteer, now your reply.

T.A: .....He's a dork....

Brian: My words exactly. Nice. And you sir what are your words??

Jeremy: Two words: X-Men. (My sideburns, WHICH ARE SHAVED NOW!!!!!)

Brian: Mr. Berteer some people say you look like Wolverine, is that true??

Me: You're a total Jackass.

Brian: Please Mr.Dork-I mean Mr.Berteer. Now what are your thoughts.

Jeremy: Probably, the "Anixation of Portarico" ("Little Giants" Quote)

BrianImataites me) Hi, guys I'm Gary and-

(Rambling)

BrianImataites me) Shut, up I know My name, I just wanted to tell you
a joke. Whats the diffrents between the square root of 98% and the square root of 98% percent?? 98%!!

Brian: Well there you have it folks, Gary is a Dork. I'm Brian Gumbull,
on CNN news, "And that's how the cookie crumbles."

END...

[Redpyramidhead]

Originally Posted by kamari-ice

Red, you just love being into other people's stuff. Well, I created this thread to let emotions run wild, so I can not say anything against what you did. But, you should have let them handle their own situation. But, some other people are bound to come and speak of their emotions and problems. It betters peoples lives when they talk about things.

Quite often my friends invite me into their situations and issues, so being used to it I think I mistook something meryl said as being more serious than it was, and responded with a few comments out of concern. It was not my intention to disrupt the thread. Also, mena and meryl n I are still cool n everything so... don't think it was bigger than it was either. I just write dramatically at times...

Originally Posted by Keyblade Master

I was peacefully playing my SP/Pokemon Emerald in peace,
then out of nowhere, they sit near me and start to interview me, with the cell. I think this is how it went:

Brian: Hello, I'm Brian Gumbull, (Fake name.) and I'm here with Gary Berteer. (Me, yeah right.) Now Mr. Berteer what do you have to say for our audience.

Me: Get that SH#@ away from here!

Brian: Smashing words Mr.Berteer, now let's get some replies from our sivilians. You sir, what do you have to say about Mr.Berteer??

T.A:.......

Me: Shut, up! You don't even know me!!

Brian: Please Calm yourself Mr.Berteer, now your reply.

T.A: .....He's a dork....

Brian: My words exactly. Nice. And you sir what are your words??

Jeremy: Two words: X-Men. (My sideburns, WHICH ARE SHAVED NOW!!!!!)

Brian: Mr. Berteer some people say you look like Wolverine, is that true??

Me: You're a total Jackass.

Brian: Please Mr.Dork-I mean Mr.Berteer. Now what are your thoughts.

Jeremy: Probably, the "Anixation of Portarico" ("Little Giants" Quote)

BrianImataites me) Hi, guys I'm Gary and-

(Rambling)

BrianImataites me) Shut, up I know My name, I just wanted to tell you
a joke. Whats the diffrents between the square root of 98% and the square root of 98% percent?? 98%!!

Brian: Well there you have it folks, Gary is a Dork. I'm Brian Gumbull,
on CNN news, "And that's how the cookie crumbles."

END...

Based on this post and the rest of your posts it sounds like you are a frustrated guy... so Im a try n help you out with a ramble here about some shit I've learned... I don't know if it all applies... but this is the idea I am getting... or the picture as I see it...

It sounds like you are having trouble getting picked on if I'm right? Well, first of all, let me tell you that you are not alone... your little dialogue that you have posted here reminds me of (now thinking back 10 years cuz im now 24) my experience in 7th grade. That year was probably the height of when I was picked on in my life. I would be sitting at a desk, minding my own business (same as you) and a few kids would always wander over n surround me and proceed to find something to bug me about.

Well, looking back now it all seems so simple to me. I ask myself questions like why didnt I just say this or why didnt I just say that or shrug my shoulders at the obviously bored kids. Well, everybody wants to fit in with their peers or atleast not feel like the very object of their fun at your expense. That can feel humiliating. I remember it as I think about it now. Simply, put... could I have maintained an attitude that would have saved me a lot of this grief and kept them uninterested in bothering me, possibly even finding something cool about me?

The answer is mostly good. Yes, their could be an attitude adjustment that you could make that could help you.
First of all, though, REMAIN WHO YOU ARE and DO NOT CHANGE BECAUSE OF ANYBODY, even if they give you a hard time.
The attitude adjustment I was talking about is complicated for somebody younger, but in the grand scheme of things, its actually pretty simple. JUST DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. And by this I mean the ones who dont respect you. But that doesnt mean be that way towards everybody... just the kids who are bored and no better than their stupid games. Only give a fuck about those who try to give you advice or help. Don't always take their advice... but you'll learn to know a good person on your side sooner or later this way in life.
Yo... the nutshell of all this is... just shrug them off... dont give em what they want... dont immediately react with "fuck you *******" all the time... trick is...dont let them know what you're thinking... don't let people change you who obviously don't know anything about life yet themselves... dumb kids.

BTW, I used to idolize the character that wolverine is... I would not have minded resembling him even slightly...heh... I say go for the sideburns if you dig em. Make your style however the fuck you want it... make it known.

Feel free to ignore all this dude if it has nothing to do with you... LOL

PEACE



_RED_ stuff