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Old May 18th, 2002, 07:10 AM   #1
Yuna
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Talking Jokes.

Anyone know any good jokes?
Ah c'mon, they're good for the soul.

A guy walks into a bar and pulls a 12 inch pianist out of his pocket. The little man starts to perform on the piano. The bartender was impressed. “Where did you get this little guy? You can make lots of money with him!”

“A genie,” the man answered. “From a lamp.”

The bartender was skeptical. “And... where is this genie now?”

“You want the lamp?” the man pulled out the lamp and gave it to the bartender.

“Wow, thanks!” The bartender rubbed the lamp and the genie came out.

“I will grant you one wish and one wish only.”

“I want a million bucks!” said the bartender.

“Your wish is my command.”

Suddenly, the entire bar starts to shake. The bartender runs outside and sees a million ducks. He curses and runs back in to the man who gave him the lamp. “What the hell is this?! I asked for a million buck, not a million ducks!!”

The man laughed. “Do you really think I wished for a 12 pianist?”
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Old May 18th, 2002, 08:33 AM   #2
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in me eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
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Old May 19th, 2002, 12:38 AM   #3
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haha.. ok.

i got a fair amount jokes, but 98% contain sexual or expilcit language. so i wanna get 'ok' before i post em.
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Old May 19th, 2002, 11:53 PM   #4
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That's a very nice idea Yuna! However, know no jokes in English. It ain't my first language.
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Old May 20th, 2002, 02:42 AM   #5
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^^ wat bout joke content ?
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Old May 20th, 2002, 02:50 AM   #6
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You should go ahead
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Old May 20th, 2002, 02:58 AM   #7
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ok. 1 a day.. ? (BTW blame frozen for this )

theres 3 girls walkin along the street as they turn and go into the bar.
as they enter the subject of speech turns to sex.

the first girl says as she sits down "well, my boyfriend can get his whole hand in there!"

second girl scoffs "thats nothing, my guy can go all the way up to his ELBOW!!!!"

the third girl just smiles with a cheeky grin as she slides down the bar stool.
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Old May 20th, 2002, 03:06 AM   #8
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ha ha ha ha ha ha ha


That ain't that bad compared to some of the jokes I've heard in spanish. But they would not come out good if I translated them......

(runs away before he gets his ass kicked)
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Old May 20th, 2002, 03:09 AM   #9
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haha.. no thats not rude. just topic matter. they will get worse dont worry
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Old May 20th, 2002, 12:33 PM   #10
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Ha ha ha. This ain't a joke, but something funny a friend of mine sent me

https://freehost11.websamba.com/Kraus...ook_Hungry.jpg
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Old May 20th, 2002, 07:15 PM   #11
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44 things to do in a movie theater


===========================

1. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
2. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
3. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
3. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for you asthma.
4. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
5. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
6. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
7. Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
8. Yell out what is going to happen.
9. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
10. Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.
11. Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
12. Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.
13. Wear 3d glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effect are.
14. Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.
15. Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.
16. Run out of the theater screaming, "Oh my goodness, I forgot, Webster is on now!"
17. Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino...)
18. Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.
19. Try to start a wave.
20. Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.
21. Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.
22. Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"
23. Sing with the theme music.
24. Whenever a fat guy comes in the movie, stand up and do the truffle shuffle. Include the sound effects.
25. At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."
26. Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.
27. Ask your neighbor if Mr. T. is in the movie, and ask often.
28. Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.
29. Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"
30. Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.
31. Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.
32. Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.
33. When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"
34. Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.
35. Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"
36. Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.
37. Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.
38. Do the running man every time a rap song is played.
39. Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.
40. Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.
41. Get 3 people together and act like you are Crow, Tom Servo, and Joel from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
42. Before the movie starts, stand up, and imitate the Truth commercial saying, "The makers of this film couldn't find any way to make their characters rebellious, rockin`, or cool so instead, they'll just smoke."
43. When someone walks by you in the aisle scream, "Ahhhhhh! Bad Touch!"
44. When you are choosing a seat point at someone and say loudly, "I don't want to sit next to that guy, he smells funny!"
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Old May 20th, 2002, 07:23 PM   #12
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Harry has much to be proud ofHarry has much to be proud ofHarry has much to be proud ofHarry has much to be proud ofHarry has much to be proud ofHarry has much to be proud ofHarry has much to be proud ofHarry has much to be proud ofHarry has much to be proud ofHarry has much to be proud of
No sexual or explicit language at all. Yuo don't want AOL to ban us right? There are children around. Next time, just ask to moderators, not members.
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Old May 21st, 2002, 02:33 AM   #13
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(UGH )

I was to blame after all. I use to hang in other forums without censoring, so I guess I got the bad habbit and I appologise for that.

I laughed like 3 times for each one of the 44 (well, actually like for each of 30, cuz english ain't my first language so I didn't understand some of them )
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Old May 21st, 2002, 07:15 PM   #14
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i know a your mama joke and i dont mean to diss anybody okay here i go.
your mama so dumb she got hit by a parked car.
your mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles poped out.
your mama so fat when i heard her beeber go off i said she is backing up.
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Old May 22nd, 2002, 03:27 AM   #15
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yo mama jokes re pretty lame, but the 2 decent ones are;

Yo mama is so fat, that when she gets outta bed, she gets out on BOTH sides,

and finally, Yo mama is so fat, that when she walks down the street, people think "damn shes fat".
<last one you hafta hear voice tone and emphasis to be funny. its more of a mockery of all yo mama jokes, hence the reason i made it up<
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Old May 23rd, 2002, 11:36 AM   #16
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nothing explicit huh alright then I was told this one yesterday

a man was camping in the forest and got lost, when he was wondering around the forest he happened to find a little house, he went up and knocked on the door, a little chineese man comes to the door, the man asks him if he could have some food and a good place to stay the night, the old man says ok but you cant sleep with my young grand daughter for if you do 3 ancient chineese torutures will be performed to you, ok but as the man enters the house and sees the young girl, he wants her

later that night the young man creeps out of bed and sneeks into the room of the girl, but the man checks the old man is asleep

he does his thing and goes back to bed, when he wakes he notices a 100 lb rock on his chest, he thinks nothing of it but on the rock it says torture 1 rock on chest, he pick it up and proceeds to throw it out the window, he gets about half way there and throws it out, but as he does he notices that there is writting on his hand, it reads torture 2 right nut attached to rock

the man then runs to the window and gets ready to jump out but before he does he sees writting above the window and it reads torture 3 left nut attached to bed post
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Old May 23rd, 2002, 01:49 PM   #17
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Here is a really harsh joke about Jews... So if your a Jew please don't read it.









What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?

Punchline: The pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven!


Oh my that's harsh.... don't kill me ppl. haha
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Old May 23rd, 2002, 04:35 PM   #18
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heres some more your mama jokes.
your mama so fat when she put on a red shrit everybody said koolaid.
your mama so fat when she saw a speeding bus go by she said hey catch the twinke.
your mama so poor that when i sat on her couch a ****roach said hey this is my side b****
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Old Jun 13th, 2002, 11:50 PM   #19
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lol... good one!
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Old Jul 11th, 2002, 01:42 AM   #20
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Ok I have a pretty stupid and lame joke here.

A man is walking thru the desert and finds a lamp. He picks it up and decides to rub it. As soon as he does a jenie pops out. The jenie looks at him and saies, "Thanks." Then he starts to walk off. The man catches up to him and saies, "Wait don't I get three wishes?" The jenie looks back at him and saies, "Buddy If I had the power to Grant wishes Do you think I would have been stuck in that d@## bottle?"

Here's anouther lame one.

this young couple gets married and goes to carnival. When they do the young man sees a helicopter and goes over to it. "I want to ride that." He saies. His wife comes over. "But Joseph, IT cost 10 dollars and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." She saies. He nodds his head and goes on. This happens every year for the next 60 years. Again on their 60th anniversy they go to the carvinal and Joseph goes to the helicopter. "I want to ride that. And darling I'm an old man I may never get another chance." He saies. "Yes dear, but it is 10 dollars and 10 dollars is 10 dollars." She saies. The pilot looks at them. "I'll tell you what folks. If you can sit in here and not say a word or make any noise while I fly I'll let you ride for free." He saies. They nod their heads and get in. The pilot takes off and performs some of the most daring and dangerous stunts he can think of . But the elderly couple don't say a word. When he lands he gets out. The old man steps out behind him. "I thought for sure you was going to say something." He said. "Well I almost did when my wife fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars." Joseph said.
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