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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 03:28 PM   #41
Piggle_humsy
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Another one...

One day a boy comes home from school and says,
"Dad I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school."

So the father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars."

So the little boy goes and asks and sure enough she says yes.

His dad says ok now go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars.

So he does and sure enough she says yes.

So the father says, "You see son hypothetically we are sitting on 2 million dollars but realistically we are living with a couple of whores."

Piggle
x x x x

(p.s I hope the last word isnt too bad for are younger forum members!)
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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 03:33 PM   #42
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And yet another!!

These two leprechauns knocked on the door of the convent and asked to see the Mother Abbess. Once they'd been admitted to the presence, one of them asked shyly, "Do you have any leprechaun nuns?"
The Mother Abbess said, "No, I'm afraid we don't."
The leprechaun then asked, "Do you know of any other convent that has any leprechaun nuns?"
Once again, the Mother Abbess said, "No, I don't believe there are any."

At this point the second leprechaun could no longer contain himself. He started laughing so hard he fell to the floor, rolling around helplessly.
Pointing at the first one, he giggled, "See, I told you! You shagged a penguin!"



Piggle
x x x x
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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 05:53 PM   #43
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An old woman is fixing a stew. She comes along a certain cabbage and decides not to use it. The cabbage opens and a fairy walks out. The fairy walks over to her and smiles thankfully like. "Thank you for sparing my home. In return for your good deed I wish to grant you three wishes." The fairy told her. The old woman looked at the ceiling for a moment and then looked at the fairy. "I wish to be young again." she said. The fairy granted her wish and the young woman was young and beautiful. she had a perfect body. "I wish to have so much money that I will never have to worry about money again." The Fairy nodds her head and the old woman checks her bank book. She now has over 26 billion dollars in the account. The old woman smiles and realizes she doesn't know what to do for the last wish. SHe looks at the old tom cat she has and smiles again. "I wish for that old tom cat to be a man. A real human man." She said. the fairy nodded and the tom turned into a man. He waited until the fairy was gone and walked up behind the woman. Puting his arms around her he leans over her shoulder and wispers.

"I bet you wish that you didn't get me fixed now don't you."
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Old Apr 7th, 2003, 07:49 PM   #44
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What's red, white, and scratches on glass?



--A baby in a microwave
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 01:25 AM   #45
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Quote:
Originally posted by Esjay

What's red, white, and scratches on glass?



--A baby in a microwave
OH MY GOD... You're going to hell... that was the most f'ed up joke I've read in a long time...

Dude this is a playstation 2 website... Kids come onto this board...
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 10:23 AM   #46
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Talking Ooh they just keep coming.....

The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.




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x x x x
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 10:27 AM   #47
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Talking Your gonna get sick of seeing me soon!

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".

"But that's right," said his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the f*****g difference?" asks his father.

"That's what I said!"
---------------------------------------
A bear is busily taking a dump in the woods when he notices a small rabbit watching him. "Hello, Mr. Rabbit!", says the bear. "Tell me, Mr. Rabbit, have you ever had a problem with s*** sticking to your fur?" "Why no", says Mr. Rabbit, "I've never ever had that problem." "Oh, go on", says the bear, "you must have had it at least once?" "No sir", says the rabbit, "never." "Well my goodness", says the bear, "that is good news." Then the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his butt with him.




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x x x x
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Old Apr 8th, 2003, 10:48 AM   #48
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Talking Oh its me again! hee hee!

The Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the f*****g porridge yet!!"




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x x x x
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Old Apr 9th, 2003, 12:20 AM   #49
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sorry if anybody offended by this

how do u circumsize an indian?

kick his sister in the jaw
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Old Apr 10th, 2003, 04:04 PM   #50
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Alright here is one for you

Little Johny was excited about class. It was friday and the teacher said that if someone could answer the special question at the start of the class she would let them go. She told them that she would give the answer some time durning the week and if they paid attention then they would know it and be able to go. So he waited for her to ask the question. She stood up infront of the class and looked at them. "Ok class her is your special question. How many stars are in the skies?" She said. Timmy stood up and said "Umm A hundred?" "No." She said. Susie stood up and said "A thousand?" "No" the teacher answered. She looked at them and smiled. "Ok lets get to work." She said. Everyone grumbled and guessed that they must have missed the answer. So All next week they paid close attention to what the teacher was saying. And on Friday she stood up in front of them and asked her special question. "Ok class how many drops of water are in the ocean?" she asked. Now Johny knew that he had been put on. She had never once said anything about the ocean. So he waited as the other boys and girls tried to guess. The next week everyone paid real close attention to what the teacher was saying. And when friday came Johny smiled. He waited for the teacher to stand up. When she did he tossed to black rubber balls to the front. The teacher looked back at them seeming to be ticked off. "Ok Who's the comdian with the black balls?" she asked. Johny stood up and smiled confidally. "Chris Rock. and I'll see you next week teach." He said as he walked out the door.
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Old Apr 11th, 2003, 04:25 AM   #51
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Lmao! That was funny Friza!!

Heres a couple I came across yesterday.....
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement."

Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters' flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."

The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?"

The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use the two spoons."



and one more.....

Two nerds were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Ha ha!

Piggle
x x x x
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Old Apr 11th, 2003, 10:55 AM   #52
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rotf lmao Piggle_humsy that was great ^^
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Old Apr 11th, 2003, 11:21 AM   #53
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Friza's was very funny, but I can't find the two Piggle put up funny. Sorry, I don't have any jokes.
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Old Apr 11th, 2003, 01:14 PM   #54
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Re: Alright here is one for you

Quote:
Originally posted by Friza

Little Johny was excited about class. It was friday and the teacher said that if someone could answer the special question at the start of the class she would let them go. She told them that she would give the answer some time durning the week and if they paid attention then they would know it and be able to go. So he waited for her to ask the question. She stood up infront of the class and looked at them. "Ok class her is your special question. How many stars are in the skies?" She said. Timmy stood up and said "Umm A hundred?" "No." She said. Susie stood up and said "A thousand?" "No" the teacher answered. She looked at them and smiled. "Ok lets get to work." She said. Everyone grumbled and guessed that they must have missed the answer. So All next week they paid close attention to what the teacher was saying. And on Friday she stood up in front of them and asked her special question. "Ok class how many drops of water are in the ocean?" she asked. Now Johny knew that he had been put on. She had never once said anything about the ocean. So he waited as the other boys and girls tried to guess. The next week everyone paid real close attention to what the teacher was saying. And when friday came Johny smiled. He waited for the teacher to stand up. When she did he tossed to black rubber balls to the front. The teacher looked back at them seeming to be ticked off. "Ok Who's the comdian with the black balls?" she asked. Johny stood up and smiled confidally. "Chris Rock. and I'll see you next week teach." He said as he walked out the door.
lol I like them kind of jokes, ive got some, but most of them are rude, good jokes to piggles.
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Old Apr 11th, 2003, 01:21 PM   #55
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Fifteen things you do not want to hear your surgeon
say during surgery:

15. Sparky! You comma back here with that! Bad Doggie...
14. Someone call janitor - we gonna need a mop.
13. Darn, there go dumb lights again...
12. What you mean, "You want divorce"!
11. Now we remove brain and stick in body of ape.
10. You better save that. We need for autopsy.
9. Wait a minute, if this spleen, then what heck that?
8. Uh oh! I just lose Rolex in patient.
7. "Ya know, big money in kidneys. Don't worry, guy got
two of 'em.
6. Everybody stand back! Contact lens fall out!
5. Hey you, you stop that thing from beatin'? It throw
my concentration off...
4. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord O Darkness"
3. What you mean he wasn't in for sex change....!
2. Nurse, did patient sign organ donator card?

And the number 1 thing you don't want to hear your surgeon say during surgery:
1. "So, you're the funny guy that make up joke site about Surgeons...."
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Old Apr 15th, 2003, 10:46 AM   #56
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Stupid Grandpa. Don't You Get It?

A grandpa walks into a grandson's apartment and sees a condom on the table. 'What's this!?' demands the grandfather.
'It's a condom," replies the grandson sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?' asks Gramps.

The grandson is surprised that his grandpa really doesn't know what a condom is, and replies, 'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

To his surprise his grandpa says, "That's a great idea," and goes off to the drug store. He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, big enough to fit a camel."

Piggle
x x x x
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Old Apr 15th, 2003, 10:55 AM   #57
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Red face 60 Things not to say to a naked guy......

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Ha ha ha! They're so funny!

Piggle
x x x x
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Old Apr 15th, 2003, 11:00 AM   #58
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The Confession

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absoultion and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he recieved absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"

Piggle
x x x x
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Old Apr 15th, 2003, 11:16 AM   #59
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me again......

Bush, Einstein and Picasso

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

Piggle
x x x x
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Old Apr 17th, 2003, 04:46 AM   #60
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I cannot believe no-one else has any jokes! Whats wrong with you people!

Signs you are a loser

1. Your dog rather rub up against the wall than have you pet it.
2. All the numbers in your little black book start with "1-900."
3. Due to excessive hazing and ridicule, you decided to drop out of the Origami Club.
4. You were almost involved in a threesome, but your left hand fell asleep.
5. Fantasizing out loud before falling asleep is your idea of "pillow talk."
6. Your personal ad reads: "Seeking Anybody."
7. Next to your name in the phone directory, the phone number is replaced with the phrase "Who cares?"
8. You look forward to the dinner time calls from telemarketers.
9. The last time you were invited to a party, you were grooving to the lyric, "Put your right foot in, take your right foot out."
10. You spent last summer following around the 2000 Bible Belt Trekkie Convention Tour.

--------------------

Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window-shopping and drive on. < This one had me in hysterics!
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Hee hee! I love list's of stuff! There may be more to come!

Piggle
x x x x
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  • Queries Executed 10 (?)
More Information
Template Usage:
  • (1)SHOWTHREAD
  • (1)ad_footer_end
  • (1)ad_footer_start
  • (1)ad_header_end
  • (1)ad_header_logo
  • (1)ad_navbar_below
  • (1)ad_showthread_beforeqr
  • (1)ad_showthread_firstpost
  • (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_sig
  • (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_start
  • (2)bbcode_quote
  • (1)footer
  • (1)forumjump
  • (1)forumrules
  • (1)gobutton
  • (1)header
  • (1)headinclude
  • (1)navbar
  • (3)navbar_link
  • (21)option
  • (1)pagenav
  • (1)pagenav_curpage
  • (3)pagenav_pagelink
  • (20)postbit_legacy
  • (20)postbit_onlinestatus
  • (86)postbit_reputation
  • (20)postbit_wrapper
  • (4)showthread_bookmarksite
  • (5)showthread_similarthreadbit
  • (1)showthread_similarthreads
  • (1)spacer_close
  • (1)spacer_open
  • (1)tagbit_wrapper 

Phrase Groups Available:
  • global
  • inlinemod
  • postbit
  • posting
  • reputationlevel
  • showthread
Included Files:
  • ./showthread.php
  • ./global.php
  • ./includes/init.php
  • ./includes/class_core.php
  • ./includes/config.php
  • ./includes/functions.php
  • ./includes/class_datastore.php
  • ./includes/datastore/datastore_cache.php
  • ./includes/class_hook.php
  • ./includes/functions_cat_cfgeoblock.php
  • ./includes/functions_cat_edittime.php
  • ./includes/adminfunctions.php
  • ./includes/functions_bigthree.php
  • ./includes/class_postbit.php
  • ./includes/class_bbcode.php
  • ./includes/functions_reputation.php 

Hooks Called:
  • init_startup
  • cache_permissions
  • fetch_threadinfo_query
  • fetch_threadinfo
  • fetch_foruminfo
  • style_fetch
  • cache_templates
  • global_start
  • parse_templates
  • global_setup_complete
  • showthread_start
  • showthread_getinfo
  • forumjump
  • showthread_post_start
  • showthread_query_postids
  • showthread_query
  • bbcode_fetch_tags
  • bbcode_create
  • showthread_postbit_create
  • postbit_factory
  • postbit_display_start
  • fetch_musername
  • reputation_image
  • bbcode_parse_start
  • postbit_imicons
  • bbcode_parse_complete_precache
  • bbcode_parse_complete
  • postbit_display_complete
  • pagenav_page
  • pagenav_complete
  • tag_fetchbit_complete
  • showthread_similarthread_query
  • showthread_similarthreadbit
  • forumrules
  • showthread_bookmarkbit
  • navbits
  • navbits_complete
  • showthread_complete