[Qjij_jijQ]

Qjij_jijQ, that is indeed rather strange, and I can't personally condone treating your cat that way, but I've heard stranger things people do to "feel alive" than that. My advice to you is to find a girlfriend who likes to scratch :heh and I'm sure that would take a lot of certain stresses out of your life.

It's not like I'm torturing him or anything!
He's used to it somewhat... he 'purrs' (sp?) when I toy with him, but he still gets mad at times. It's all in good fun... I think.

As for the girlfriend part... Meh, I'm not really looking for anyone. I feel as if being with someone else would only slow me down in life... but that's just how I view relationships.

BTW, it's not like I'm a sadomasochist (sp?) either!

Your childhood is in your past. My suggestion is to explore a whole new world of choice now that you are old enough to. You said you are working on paying for college. That's one thing that should give you the right to have choice in that matter. I don't know how much your parents try to get involved with that, but if you keep showing them you are working towards some kind of goal on your own, they should continue to give you more space. Granted, I don't know if that's an actual problem or not. What I do know is you will feel less and less dead inside as your life becomes more your own. This is what helped me. Getting hung up on the fact it wasn't in your childhood won't help. Forget that. You are who you are now, not then and you will continue to be more and more independent. Go for it man!

Don't worry, I don't live in the past... But you know, sometimes it leaves scars and there's not much you can do about it. I'm not sad about the fact that I don't care much about other people anymore... I think I give out the impression that I'm quite miserable, but that's not the case. You know, quoting a line from the movie Vanilla Sky: "Life doesn't taste as sweet without sour moments", which means that you need bad moments in order to enjoy the good ones... I just happen to need a lot of 'bad' ones.

I don't think it's a question of 'space' that I need, because believe me... I already have it. I'm probably the most responsible person in the family. I'm only 20 and guess who has to constantly help the family on a financial level?

The thing is... I like the feeling of being dead inside. For me, it's all about going agaist the odds or the flow. I enjoy having things go agaist me, so that I have to put some effort into it, in order to be able to go foward. That 'need' reaches it's critical point when it comes to life... let me explain.

If I could 'absorb' everyone's mental and physical pain, I think I would... For me, it would be a very entertaining challenge. I feel as if I can take on practically anything I put my mind to and if that were to ever happen, I'd enjoy carrying that burden. That way, people could stop complaining about their stupid problems... and if at the same time I could become immortal, that would be pretty fun. ( BTW, this is more like a metaphore than a dream, just so you know )

I thrive myself on being as complexe and unique as possible...