[Faile]

x. I think I've lost the ability to write with any certainty. Certainly, the inner dialogue is more of an inner-mute these days. Time weighs upon my mind, I age and the world continues to turn. It's getting too late today, and thus the things that need to get done never get done, and tomorrow will bring another day of work and drudgery. Things have turned out somewhat unfairly considering what was offered. I seem to have opted into a system that allows me no real control over my life. This is a sad realisation, but there must be some sort of way to fight back or seize control. Can one mutiny against oneself? We'll just have to try and find out.

x. Next week, the band and I are finally releasing the debut e.p. This is an endeavour that seems to have scoured my creativity. We've worked on it pretty much solidly since january and now I've since lost all perspective of its quality and all my steps are haunted with the idea that I'm not good enough, that my vocal take is flawed flawed flawed. All signs and dreams of indie-chic have been scorched-earth burnt out of me by menial work, so I'm left to wonder how much of my heart is in this. Still, somewhere I'm proud that the band & I have managed to finally get something together that is a statement of this fucking mess we're in, and that people can take it away and hold something physical that represents the songs we're shouting at the wind, trying to get through to someone (indeed, anyone) to have the world realise that we exist, that we're HERE.

x. When I set out upon the path of defining my identity I was self-assured and less easily bored. Now I'm often bored of the world, and far less assured. I've destroyed the beauty of youth with the hideous ugly nature of growing too jaded to change myself for the better. It's so strange to be twenty-four, and feeling your body fighting a rearguard action trying to stoke the fires of action and relight the candles of deadly impulse, the same deadly impulse that gave youth that attractive edge that is now missing. In the scale of things I am young, but I feel nothing but the negative. I must turn this inside out and channel that towards something that will carry me through; resolve the crooked paths that I have walked to this point and restart that fire. Life should be as exciting as fireworks, but instead for the last five years it's been nothing but a rainy carnival day.