[happy_doughnut]

I can understand the stress you have been undergoing lately, Daniel, as I have been going through things similar to the ones you posted about.

In fact, the entire month of October was shit. I hardly went to school at all that month because I was feeling so wretchedly horrible and because I suffered a minor accident that prevented me from going for a few days. This all caused me to get very behind in my classes. Hah! Behind?! Who am I trying to kid? I actually had to drop 3 of them because I simply was not going to pass, and am heavily considering dropping another. Now I have 4 W's on my transcripts, possibly going on 5. Great.

October was like this: Bad news. Bad news. Bad news. More bad news. Worse bad news yet. Bad news. Embarrasing bad news. Disheartening bad news. Failure. Deceit. More failure. Bad news. Physically painful bad news. Worst news in the world. More bad news. Failure. Failure. Failure. Give up.

Yep. Just like that. I swear I thought I was literally going to die. I could not fathom how so much shit can happen in 31 days to a single person. I know my life hasn't been sweet roses, but omfg, this topped everything I've ever been through.

Now: I'm probably not going to graduate this year from college since I dropped so many classes and since I still can't garner the strength and motivation to do anything. Even if I did, this semester is essentially lost so I can't do anything anyways. But that's okay. I'm not transfering to a university next year anyway. What does this mean? That my parents are going to hate my very guts.

Everything I have ever worked for came tumbling down and I couldn't do anything about it. Right now, I don't care anymore.

There are moments in which, like you, I smile and tell myself, "Hey, it's all right. There may be more roughness on the way, but I'll get through it. In the end, there has to be a good outcome." I'll smile and go about for the next while trying to be happy and thinking that everything will be okay.

But this, unlike you, only lasts me for a few hours. Then I take a look at my situation again and realize that I'm lying to myself. That I'm not happy and that there is nothing that guarrantees me any form of happiness in the long run. I know this is depressing and perhaps even morbid; I know this is a very destructive way to think, but I can't help it.

I try to go on and not care about the useless things, but unfortunately, these are things that I'm trying to label as useless so that I may not be hurt by them, when in reality they are my everything.

Sometimes I'm just sick of trying to think positively. Sometimes I'm just sick of living in dream-land and being this ridiculous dreamer that dreams of better tomorrows. Sometimes I'm just sick of it all.

I try to smile and think nice thoughts and, like you, to think that I should just live life for myself. But then I ask myself--how can I live life for myself if everything that makes up myself is gone? I can't reconstruct these things because they were all torn down in such a manner that everything really is helpless.

Then I get mad because, not to be arrogant or egocentric or anything like that, I don't think I desserve all of this. All I have done is try to go through with it all, even when it has been so hard. But then what? Everything just disappears, and I am caught by surprise.

I wish I had an epiphany like yours. Maybe if I did I would be able to snap out of it. I have been going to parties, being with friends/people in general, smoking an awful lot, and have even begun to drink. I know this is not the answer to anything, but it doesn't seem to matter anymore. When I am out, laughing at jokes with people, smoking cigarettes, and drinking different types of alcohol, I feel as though, even if it is for a short moment, the clouds finally leave. But then I am awakened again only to realize that the sun still hasn't returned.

Yeah, I used to smoke before this. Well, kind of. I first tried it many years ago and liked it, but then stopped for several years. When this started getting rough, I picked it up again in order to ease my nerves. Now I'm going through multiple packs everyday. I've never been a drinker, though. I had drank once or twice before, but only light stuff and when I was with my family. Now I'm whisking down loads of alcohol to the point where I forget anything I do the next day. Again, I know this is all terribly unhealthy and even coward-like, but who cares?

I failed here, I failed there, and there. . . Even after trying so fucking hard to succeed. Yes, I did try hard. Very hard. But so what, right?

Sometimes I can hardly recongnize myself. Out of the 6 classes I enrolled in, aiming to get A's in all of them, I am now only in 3 and soon maybe only 2, and will be damn lucky if I get C's. I'm going out almost every night to smoke and drink--things I would never do before.

I know this is not me. I know I am wrong. I know I am mistakened. I know that I'm being a coward because I am not dealing with things properly. But then again, maybe I was always like this. Maybe this is the way I really am. Maybe I was just putting on a facade, trying to be Ms. Genius and Ms. Wholesome. Maybe I just tried to make a new personality for myself. Maybe that's why everything is now gone--because it was never mine to begin with.

I don't know anymore, and frankly I just don't care anymore.

PS: My apologies if I totally went off topic. I just wanted to say that even though it seems both of us are undergoing crap, I've yet to experience the liberation you did. Instead I am, well, read above...