[happy_doughnut]

Well, I've been coming to this board for a few years now, and throughout the stime span I have made many precious friendships. Because of these friendships, and also by the simple notion of my being here and yours, too, I think many of you know me a little more intimately now than back in 2002, when I first joined. It is because of this that I think many of you here know how I can be such an, oh, I don't know... WORRYWART!!

I am ever unduly worrying about this and that to the point where I can't sleep, eat, think about anything else, and so on.

Now, why am I posting this? Because I am at a point in my life were I am worried and distressed beyond belief! Why?

This is the year where I must decide which university I want to go. I know this may not seem like a big deal to some, but if you know me even a little, then you probably understand that it is for me.

I remember I used to rant just about everyday about my crappy high school days. When it passed, I came and ranted about the extensive work load of college and how I still didn't like school. In short, you all got to know of my extreme dislike for school and came to know that the main reasons for me sticking with it where two:

1.) My parents - More than twice I have expressed my sincere value and care for my parents. More than twice I have told about their abundant appreciation of school, and more than twice I have admitted to you that going to school and graduating from a good university is the way I feel I will finally make them proud. And you know how "making my parents proud" is my lifelong dream.

2.) I am a sucker. I have no "special" abilities for anything. Nothing! I'm not good at anything naturally, meaning that only by studying am I "good" at X, Y, or Z. Knowing this, I know that if I don't go to school, I will become a big nobody, lost and maltreated by life because of my lack of special skills and ability. So I know that even though I don't like it, I have to.

My worry now is that I don't really know where I want to go. Well, I digress; I do know. In mind, I have always kept these three universities: Univeristy of California Berkeley, University of California Los Angeles and the University of Southern California (USC, which has been dubbed "University of Spoiled Children"). The first two are (relatively good) public schools in California, one being in the south where I live (LA) and the other in the north (Berkeley). Getting into either of these two would be more than great. The latter, though, is a private school, meaning that I would need a whole lotta $$$ to survive. Money I just don't have. It had always been my dream, but I'm giving up on it, seeing as the ones who go there are the rich boys and girls sporting Abercrombie and Fitch and carrying wads of cash in their purses. It's too much for me.

So, I have decided on these universities, but now I am (horribly) worrying about these two things:

1.) That I won't get into any of them and
2.) That I was just informed I need to declare a major... and I have NO idea whatsoever of what I want to do!

I just think, "I'm not smart enough" and "My grades are probably not good enough" and "Why would they pick someone dumb with dumby grades, while they can choose Mr. X?" I'm going crazy with self-doubt. And then I have to write an essay... and I think: "What if I write crap? What if I completely mess up on the syntax!!"



And then the even bigger problem: God, I do NOT know what I want to do. Some of you know my extreme heart-felt desire to help people. I love it. I would LOVE to sit down with them and discuss any problems they may be undergoing. So for the longest time I considered going into psychology, either clinical/therapeudic psychology or medical psychiatry (just in case I want people to think I'm smart). So, okay: I took an introductory psychology class this semester and it sucked major ass! Sooo boring! The professor taught straight from the book. I never even went after the second week! I just read the text, went and took the exams. What crap. Total disillusioment right there.

I have also always had this (secret) want to have my own magazine (which, of course, you will ALL subscribe to, right?!). But as writing books, I think that no one will buy them. What if no one likes my magazine? What if I get all poor and starve to death? Yes, I admit that English is my strong point. I can write okay, I guess, but then I see other's writing and I realize mine is mediocre. It's true, in my head I am always fighting monsters, escaping from jail cells, casting spells, saving the world, and what not and because of this, some have suggested that I pledge myself a writer and wing it. With hope, of course. But, omigod... what if I fail? (Yes, by now my fear of failure is clearer than the polluted water of SoCal.)

I need to pick... ASAP because next Fall, I must double on classes pertaining to that major. But I am so confused... and sad because I feel like I won't get into a good university... and to end up in a CalState would just prove that I did fail... again. I already fucked up royally in HS; I can't do it again, guys. My heart sinks to think I won't get into the unis. I want. It sinks.

Me... a psychologist giving people therapy, trying to help, a magazine editor (owner :p) writing a variety of things so as to engulf a variety of ages, or an author writing the crazy stories in my head.

Which? How do I know (and please don't tell me to "look within myself" Chewbacca style)? I need advice, opinions, (kind) words to help out... pu-lease!

Thanks!