[happy_doughnut]

Gah, I don't like quoting... it's too much work.

Anyways, well... I think this is a misunderstanding by the way things have been said. Personally, I never thought this to be a fight or anything... there have been some misunderstandings but mainly just differences in opinions. And well, I think I can speak for both meryl and me when I say that we would like to think ourselves civilized enough to have differences in opinions, discuss them, and remain the same. I think her no less my friend because of this; the opposite is true. I think she may agree.

As for emmotions... well, I think the only "emmotional" posts were probably the firsts where the complications were posted, not these latter ones as these are just kinda expressing two different view points.

This is to say... no, I'm not going to sit down with my dad and try to work it out because, ahh... how to say it? It has been so many years that even if I tried and so did he, it would be a matter of more years to set the record sraight. In this case, I don't think words alone suffice.

And meryl: I really dislike the post you made in reply to one of Red's quotes. It's not your fault. From what I read, you probably asked him to read the thread since its hard to explain everything that went on in a small messenger box. Plus, it's easier to make things get more complicated that way. You probably figured it was best if he read it himself to understand what misunderstanding you were talking about. I don't see how that is your fault. Maybe he is the one that misunderstood the thread and whatever he says, happy or angry, is up to him. It's not your fault if he or anyone else says something rude or whatnot. Don't take fault; you made none.

Anyways, continuing this discussion of the different ways parents can be seen...

... and picking up along the lines red talked about...

I disagree again. You're telling me you can't be sensitive and strong at the same time? That's wrong. As red said, it is a fine line indeed, but it is possible. By me saying that I am sensitive (or you saying it) I mean that these things are important to me and that I do care. It does not mean that I cry and rant and whine and put on tantrum after tantrum every chance I get because I don't. That's not even being sensitive, that's just stupid. But thankfully, I have the strength to acknowledge that I do in fact care about the situations that permeate my family, my mom and dad, admit my feelings, namely and mostly to myself, and then let them go.

It's true that there is always a sence of vacancy in me because the spot where my dad is supposed to be is empty nearly all of the time, but it's not like everything breathing moment I think about this. No. It's only when they happen that I feel, remember, and regret. After it, I am alright.

I don't dwell on the memories that are not even there all of the time. There is so much to worry about in this life that doting on a single worry if meaningless; the world will pass you by. And I faithfully believe that life is a huge struggle, but that without any such struggle, then there will be no reward.

These are my struggles. The times when I feel like I wish... just wish I could cry and grab my dad's arm and tell him I don't accept his decline, but I can't. It is not my place. I can only account for what I do, say, feel, think etcetera... not for anyone else. So I sigh. I sigh because I think, "Great... so, what else is new?" And yes, I feel sad. And I feel even sadder when I see the empty seats next to my mother on those special days. But after it, I am okay. As I said before, there is nothing I can do because I am here; it is my dad who is not. And well, I just won't force him to come if he so doesn't wish. It's just not the way I am.

This sounds like weakness to you? Not to me. I am not comparing myself to a rock, mainly because of the extra flab I have been getting around the sides.... ... because I am not. But I am also not your teary eyed teen-going-to-adult. I am sensitive in that I feel a rush of something whenever I get displeasing news. This can be seen by my momentary inability to hold anything in my hand at the time. But I also have enough "strength" or whatever you want to call it to feel it and acknowledge that I am feeling it and let it go.

I didn't let it go because I ranted? Well, everyone rants. Here, there, anywhere, or everywhere - everyone does it at one time or another. If by me feeling upset and saying it makes me "weak" then anyone that rants is weak.

And you are getting something wrong. My emotions and outside situations are two different things. Don't confuse or try to mix them together. My feelings are exclusive meaning that well, I try not to talk about them much. Not because it's cool or because no one will understand or whatever, but simply because I don't like to. There are only a few people, namely 2, that I tell most of my things to and you know who those are. Not everything, but much more than anyone else because I feel free to do so. Now for everyone else, I don't "pretend" I am okay; I just don't say anything. My feelings have nothing to do with anyone else, meaning that if I feel like shit, it doesn't mean I go out and bit everyone's heads off. It's not pretending, it's reasoning. It's as if, for example, I am angry because the apple tastes bad. This doesn't mean I'm going to be angry at the peaches and oranges. It's not their fault so why should they be entwined? I don't see this as pretending that everything is fine. Pretending I think comes into play when you are boiling inside and you smiiiiile even though you want to cry and when people ask "are you okay?" you say "YES!!" Exggerated to make a point of course.

With me, though... I don't have to do this because I know how I feel. I'm mad so I cuss everything visible to hell in my head and then I hear someone call my name. What do I do? I just go. I don't need to put on an angry face or a happy face. Shit. I only have one freaking face and this is the one I put on all the time. Most of the time I just look sleepy so I guess that's why no one even bothers to ask.

So, nah. I don't pretend. I just take control as much as I can. What if someone asks... well, they don't because they can never tell but if it were to happen, I suppose I would say, "Hm? Do you want me to be angry?"

It's all technique.

What I mean about pretending is this: Say X wins something which I know and X knows s/he doesn't desserve. S/He gets much acclaim. I just don't jump in on the bandwagon. I just won't be a hypocrite. Will that get me fired? Maybe. I don't see why anyone would fire me for not applauding someone's congratulations of whom I don't approve. That simple. I will not, I have not and I never plan to, lie to myself and say, "Ohh, yeah. That X sure is great." There are plenty of people who think differently, so they can fill in the job.

And to tell you the truth. Up until today, I have yet to be reprimanded for my being this way. It's just not wrong - I'm not doing anything wrong. I just won't put on a plastic face and pretend I agree with someone or something in order to please.

And I don't play manipulation games anymore. I've seen them in all their dirty faces. Maybe this is why I have such distant relationships with peeople in general. I won't lie and be lied to. Not anymore... and you know what I mean.

And yeah. I think this is why you understand... because you have gone through things that are similar in a way. It is hard. It is hard to be so young and to feel that there is no one there to help you. Remember my bastard boyfriend incident? Ugh. I wish I didn't. But at that time, more than anything else in the world I wanted someone to be there instead of at work or dealing with other things. It was so hard to get through that virtually alone. Why? I knew that maybe if I had said something, someone would have helped, that person being my mom. But as you say and as I have said too, it feels bad to go to someone who already has their own bundle of problems with your own. It's hard and after not doing so for such a long time, doing it would somehow be even harder.