I understand what you're saying, meryl. I really do. But see, it's not about whether I'm right or wrong; this is just the way I feel.
And I think that by what I said, people might get a wrong impression of my dad. For one thing, the only reason he picked me was because he was actually home. Apparently the guy he works with (they're co-bosses or something) was celebrating his birthday so my dad actually came home from a small breakfast they shared. Other than that, my dad pick me up? Hah!
And I know he has to work; I'm not telling him not to. He loves working. He loves it more than his family, actually. And well, this is very true. I'm not asking for him to be there with me all the time. Even if he tried I wouldn't allow it because overtime I have become a little... hard. It would be nice, though, to see him somewhere that is important for me every once in a while. I don't think that's asking for a lot. It's just really hard to smile and pretend and say, "THAT'S my dad!!" when I don't feel that way. And the truth is that he never ever is there. And you know what? No sum of money is great enough to fill this emptyness.
It's annoying to know that he thinks all he has to do is give me a 100$ and I'm fine. I would honestly exchange all of my belongings for some time with him. I really would.
But you know what? It's all right because what else can I expect? Maybe if I had been what he really wanted we would be close.
And no, my dad can't provide everything. Nobody can. All my dad does it work. He has no idea what happens to the money afterwards. It's always my mother, my brother and me that has to deal with everything. And well, that's all right cause we help out. But honestly, if my dad didn't work, then well... he simply would have nothing else to provide.
In my 18 years, I have yet to receive a hug from my dad. That's right - not even when I was a baby, toddler or whatever. And much less have I ever heard an "I love you." But I guess the dollar bills are supposed to do it for him, right? Well if that's the case, he can take them back because I don't want them. I'd rather be wearing rags and have his love than wear "designer clothes" and have his nothing.
|