[tempted]

2.05 am (Lisbon time)


I went to bed at around 1 am and I’ve been turning from one side to the other because I can't sleep, and today I actually have good reasons for it. earlier today I almost lost my brother, his wife and my beautiful 1 year old niece in a car accident, and though I’ve been trying really hard not to think it was my fault, I can't stop thinking that it was a bit because of me that they were almost killed, they live 3 hours away from me and yesterday, like in so many other occasions, I called them to ask them to meet me and the rest of the family for lunch today in a rest that's like 1 .30 hours away from each place (his and mine), so they said of course they would come but when i was almost arriving to the rest, I got a call from my brother saying they weren't coming anymore because they had just been in an accident. so obviously I felt like it was my fault because if I hadn't call they would be home safe, and as if the guilt i placed upon myself wasn't enough, I had my mother telling me that I should be thankful because they were alive and some other things that I’m not going to write here, but let's just say that, she made it clear that if they had died, it would be my fault. Well after that everyone started saying that they wanted to go over to their house to check on them, to make sure that they were really ok, obviously I wanted to go too. But tomorrow there's work to be done and since everyone was fighting over it, I just said "fine I’ll stay and I’ll go to work. There’s not much to be done anyways”...Oh my what did I do? Like in the same sec all my family members looked at me like if I had just committed a crime and was trying to escape...anyways they went and I stayed ... I already got a call from them telling me all the details from the accident (just to make me feel even better -_-)..So I’m almost going insane at this point because I have no one to talk to, earlier I tried to call my best friend to talk but his cell is off, after that I came to the pc and I somehow ended up pushing away the only person who, after reading about it in my lj, tried to cheer me up, and I’m sorry Cory, I’m really not I’m myself today or I wouldn't have done that, I’m sorry again Hun , after that and to make me feel even worse, the second person to who I actually had the courage to go to for help or better yet just to listen, was too busy for me, i guess that will teach me, if I have problems I might as well keep them to myself, God it would have meant the world to me if he had just given me 2 minutes of his precious time, but I guess that would be asking for too much. so now I’m home alone, I’m scared as hell of being here on my own, because what has been running through my head, isn't really what you would call happy thoughts. I honestly don't know why I’m writing this here...oh well...wtf I’m only human -_-!