[merylsilverburg]

Originally Posted by Panuru

My relation with food is pretty bad. Let's say it's horrible. I'm obsessed. I started a diet 6 years ago because I felt I was too fat and I was going to be even fatter (but I wasn't that fat, frankly..), I went to a dietist and diligently followed his directions, but after that I discovered I was trapped. I felt that if I could lose weight eating less, I could eat less and less and less... First I started eating only few vegetables (I was vegetarian, but I could eat eggs, cheese, honey and stuff like that). Then I started skipping few meals, just in case... I ended avoiding food completely. At that point it was obvious my relation with food was distorted and that I developed eating disorders. Now I'm underweight. I should gain a lot to reach my ideal weight. With a lot I really mean a lot. But whenever I think about it I feel dizzy. People are always telling me I look like a 12 years old girl, that I'm ugly, that I should gain weight. I don't weight myself anymore, I don't count calories anymore, I threw away scales because I was going crazy. I had that phase, but now I feel I just don't care or simply I don't want to know. I have something like... 2 meals every week. During the rest of the week I don't eat anything. I don't feel like I'm allowed to have anything, and anyway if I eat more than twice I lose control and feel sick or paranoid.

The sad thing is I love food. But I hate it at the same time. Makes me feel weak, powerless. But I realize being trapped like that, keeping on living with this state of mind is what makes you powerless. I'd like to be pleased, like Rei said, I wouldn't want to deprive myself of the freedom to do what I like, which includes food too, but at the moment I don't think I can.

Well... I'm being pathetic now, so I'll just shut up

Yikes! That's terrible Panuru. No wonder you look so thin in your photos. I just thought you were naturally that way.

The situation you're in now is very bad and you probably don't need me to say what you already know, but you really need to get yourself back and healthy again. It's definitely not good for you to be so underweight and so obsessed...the fact that you're only having 2 meals a week or that you feel dizzy thinking about food or eating more really shows you're having a psychological anorexia disorder. That's dangerous, I'm surprised you haven't ended up in the hospital or something!

Maybe you can try to take it a step at a time...of course, it's going to be difficult and you may not want to try it, but if you definitely want to get healthy and gain the weight you need, it doesn't hurt to give it a try or set your mind to it. Take it a step at a time...eating small or large quantities is definitely going to make you sick (throw up) because your body hasn't had so much food for a long time and your stomach is probably the size of a golf ball, so it's going to be tough. If eating makes you feel very sick, you can try to drink liquids, like shakes or smoothies or something that has the nutrition you need (vitamins, vegetables, fruits, etc.). I would highly suggest you still see a doctor since this is something you won't be able to get over by yourself (it's very rare that people do it on their own).

I probably (and don't mean to!) sound like a nutritionist or some kind of health expert, but it's just that I was on the brink of anorexia about 6/7 years ago. It's was stupid of me since I was just reaching the young adult age where I should be eating more, but I felt I was too fat so I just started eating puny, micro-meals a day (like oh, a small box of fish or some crackers for dinner....let's just say I was on the South Beach Diet even before there was a South Beach Diet!). It was very bad and I started getting all pale and sickly looking and lacked energy all the time (plus, I was slightly depressed which didn't help). After that, my sister finally convinced me to eat more, so I did and now, I felt so ashamed for being so foolish and so "girly" back then. There's a difference between being healthy and being under-weight, which is why I'm concerned.