My relation with food is pretty bad. Let's say it's horrible. I'm obsessed. I started a diet 6 years ago because I felt I was too fat and I was going to be even fatter (but I wasn't that fat, frankly..), I went to a dietist and diligently followed his directions, but after that I discovered I was trapped. I felt that if I could lose weight eating less, I could eat less and less and less... First I started eating only few vegetables (I was vegetarian, but I could eat eggs, cheese, honey and stuff like that). Then I started skipping few meals, just in case... I ended avoiding food completely. At that point it was obvious my relation with food was distorted and that I developed eating disorders. Now I'm underweight. I should gain a lot to reach my ideal weight. With a lot I really mean a lot. But whenever I think about it I feel dizzy. People are always telling me I look like a 12 years old girl, that I'm ugly, that I should gain weight. I don't weight myself anymore, I don't count calories anymore, I threw away scales because I was going crazy. I had that phase, but now I feel I just don't care or simply I don't want to know. I have something like... 2 meals every week. During the rest of the week I don't eat anything. I don't feel like I'm allowed to have anything, and anyway if I eat more than twice I lose control and feel sick or paranoid.
The sad thing is I love food. But I hate it at the same time. Makes me feel weak, powerless. But I realize being trapped like that, keeping on living with this state of mind is what makes you powerless. I'd like to be pleased, like Rei said, I wouldn't want to deprive myself of the freedom to do what I like, which includes food too, but at the moment I don't think I can.
Well... I'm being pathetic now, so I'll just shut up
