[Redpyramidhead]

I have never posted a thread like this before because I don't usually believe in sounding this way. This is probably counterproductive , but I am at the end of my rope. I have been single for two years almost. I know there are a lot of you in here who haven't even experienced love yet and you might use that argument atleast sub-consciously to write off this lament of mine here as unwarrented. "Why should Red get to complain? Atleast he has had somebody, before." But if you stop and think about how ridiculous that sounds, you should be choking on your words. Everybody deserves love. At this point, I'm almost to the point where all I ask for is somebody to give me a try, again. I am more than worth it and I know this and that is why I am so frustrated. I know what I have to offer.

I have changed a lot since my most recent relationship ended in 2002. I am a new man in many ways. A lot of extremely tough shit can't stop me these days. I have been to the bottom of my mind's inferno where the very threads that keep you from falling into the mouth of your satan start to unravel and you are slipping out... I have been there and back. I did it all without a good women by my side and I improved my threshold for pain all without the help of a good women by my side as well, too. I have succeeded in life without the notion I had in my mind that I needed someone for happiness all those years in order to function at a decent level let along the level I have achieved that I am at now that I never dreamed possible before in my life. For years I thought I need a girl in my life to be happy, but I proved that whole thing wrong by experiences happiness... true happiness in my life for the first time since I was but a child. It has been a long, dismal, and and impossible journey, but I conquered it. I passed the greatest test my life has dealt me! So far...

With all this new found confidence in myself I have become able to finally have mediums in my life with which to make the fruits of my creativity within this world at an alarming rate. SOmething I had been so frustrated about not being able to do before. I would have so many ideas, but there was a wall preventing me from making them happen and I thought I would never tear down that wall. I thought I was doomed to a mundane existence. Now I know I am not in this sense. My creative outlets include my writing, my music, and a number of things.

All of this has felt good enough that for a while even I felt I did not want a gf. Well, I was partly kidding myself and slowly my heart started to ache again. It knows along with my soul...

I can kid myself into feeling complete or even be complete in many ways with the new prospects in my life, but I never will be without my soul mate. How does one cope with feeling so alone? I have given countless advice on how to in the past becaus I have learned a few things along the way that have been a godsend. I have had to learn new ways of looking at things.

But when it comes down to it at the end of each day I am still alone. I have talked to all kinds of girls and been myself to each and every one of them, but I have seen no just reward for my efforts.

My good friend online here just told me "just wait she is out there and she is coming to find you" and I wonder if that is true in some sense. What I do know is that I am searching for her...... it has been so long... I am only human. Hell hath no sorrow like a soul without a mate. I... I can't talk anymore. All I know is that now I do need a good women by my side. Whoever and wherever you are. I could cherish you.

Well, I'm gone for now...

PEACE


_RED_ stuff