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I like so many things... the odd aspect is that I can start hating what I like all of a sudden.
In general I like the smell of the upcoming season, before you can actually see changes in natural elements around you. I like watching a cat's movements, in the grass, behind a door, under a bed, inside a box. I like the act of giving, though it's very hard for me sometimes to be able to give especially when I'm close to someone, especially when it's not material objects. I like glass, as it breaks or shines, and touching sharp things. I like knowing I will have nothing to worry about the day after. I like sleeping when I'm exhausted, and losing conscience without struggling. I like possession, but I know it's very negative, because it always brings arrogance and envy and dissatisfaction, which are all emotions I can't control. I like painting nails, having a new piercing, using eyeliner and collecting sunglasses of many colours. I like spying other people's lives, not as a pervert but with the genuine curiosity you can feel when you're young and still have to learn how the world works. And be amazed and surprised and be enlightened and feel I'm one with the world's most archetypal laws. I like sharing points of view and emotions and desires when I feel I can be understood. I like blank paper and the smell of it, though it scares me as well thinking that paper is made to be filled. I like remembrance, but I often avoid it for I'm afraid of sensing too much, so much that I could break and fall on the floor in a thousand bits and pieces that could easily be picked up and thrown away in a trash can.
Many things make me happy and then thinking more deeply about them they make me sad, to the point I can cry and be hopelessly desperate.
Beauty is one of these things. Every epiphany that shows beauty in any of its forms leaves me satisfied for some time, then it brings waves of sadness.
You can avoid what makes you happy with all your strenght, because you're always afraid it could make you really unhappy as well. But the fact is you can feel the strangest attraction for unhappiness when it becomes a usual state of mind. To the point it's like living with a younger sister: you feed her and take care of her for years, hating her sometimes, wanting to kill her, thinking about strangling her while she's asleep, not really understanding why you're still with her after all that time. One day you think what your life would be like without her and you see an empty space in the middle of your existance. You can't say what's missing, but something's definitely missing in the picture. So you keep on holding on to her little wrist, hoping she won't cut her hand off, still angry for your dependant attitude and weakness.
Ah, paranoia paranoia.... I don't know what I'm talking about.
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