This joke is a courtesy of Friza :D

These three guys are traveling across country when they come to a farm house. They ask the farmer if they can spend the night and he says that they can stay in the barn, just not to walk out behind it. Well, durning the night the first guy walks out behind the barn to use the rest room and falls down in a huge hole in the ground. He gets up and sees a demon. The demon looks at him and says: "If you can tell me to do some thing that I can't do, I'll let you go." The man saies: "Well get all of the trees in the world in here." The Demon says "alright." He flicks his fingers and puff: all of the trees in the world are in the hole. Well, a little later the second guy goes and looks for the first guy. He walks out behind the barn and falls in the hole. The demon looks at him and says: "If you can tell me to do something that I can't do, I'll let you and your friend go." The man scraches his head and says: "Ok get all of the birds in the world down here." The demon flicks his fingers and puff: all of the birds in the world are in that hole. Well, a lot later the third guy walks out looking for the other two and falls in the same hole. The demon looks at him and says: "If you can tell me one thing that I can't do I'll let you and both of your friends go." The man sits down and raises up on one hip and farts. He looks at the demon and says: "Catch that and paint it green "

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

How is that supposed to be funny? That's just plain sick.

Well, I think he didn't mean any offense to any body, as he warned. But true, racist, facist, or whatever jokes are never good. Some may luagh but some others can just get offended.

This boy and his mother are on a plane. The boy looks at his mother and saies. "Mommy. Big Cats have baby cats. Big Dogs have Baby dogs. Do Big Planes have baby planes?" THe mother looks at him and is a little embarest. "Go ask the sturdist dear." She tells him. So he gets up and walks to the Sturdist and looks at her. "Excuse me. But Big Cats have little cats. Big Dogs have little dogs. Do big Planes have little planes?" He askes her. She looks at him and saies "Did you're mommy tell you to ask me that?" "Yes." The boy replied. "Well see the planes here at U.S. Air don't have babies because we always pull out in time. Now go ask your mommy what that means." SHe tells him.

" Your family is so poor i walked up to your house asked your mom what was for dinner"

" and she stuck her foot out the window and said"

"Corn"

Ok, a pirate steps off a pirate ship when it lays anchor, and from his pants hangs a large wooden steering wheel. Eager to have a good time he goes to the local bar. Upon entering, the bartender asks, "What's that ship wheel for?" The pirate responds, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diapers. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s***."

ok i got a good religious joke for you,

If anyone ever asks you what jesus said at the last supper, tell them that he said this
"Everyone who wants to be in the picture come to this side of the table"

YO YO I GOT A JOKE
Joke man:why did the blonde throw her clock out the window?
Kid:I Don't know
Joke man:She wanted to see time fly!
LOL (no offence blondes ur all hot)

Yet another lame joke.

A man comes to a farmers house. He askes if he may stay and the farmer tells him that he can. Well that night the man slept in the fruit cellar and later he needed to get up and take a crap. Well he didn't want to bother the farmer so he went over and found a fruit jar. He did his business and went back to sleep. Later on he got up and left. A week later the farmers wife made an apple pie. The farmer was eating the pie and looked at a post card from the drifter. it read. "Hi John, I wanted to tell you that the night that I staied there I had to take a crap and I did it in a fruit jar down stairs. Sorry." The farmer looks at his wife and then at the fruit jar. He gets up from the table and looks at everyone. He said "Saies I saies I. I will eat no more Hi John pie."

Wee.. good times.

Three men were on a plane:
A priest, a boy scoutmaster, and the Smartest Man in the World.
The plane was going down fast. There were two packs.

The old priest says, "I've lived a good life and served the Lord, you two may use the packs."

The World's Smartest Man replies, "The world needs me, so I'll jump first." He takes the pack on the left and jumps.

The scoutmaster turns to the priest and says, "There was only one parachute, father. The world's smartest man just jumped out using my pack."

----
Three kids are talking about what their fathers do for a living.
One kid says "My dad writes beautiful words on a piece of paper and gets $50."

The other kid says "Well, my dad writes lots of long sentences, puts them in a book and gets $100."

The last kid says "Well, my father writes what he calls a 'Sermon' on a piece of paper, and it takes eight people to collect the money."

After a long time of being gone I am back. Well here is a joke to celebrate the occasion and to bring back this thread.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrage (sp?). He orders a beer and the ostrage orders the same. He drinks it and then payes for it in exact change. He does this for six months. And every time he paies in exact change. Finally after Six months he walks in and the bar tender looks at him and saies "The usual?" "No, It's happy hour. I want a scotch on the rocks." THe man replied. The ostrage ordered the same thing. Well after he drank his drink he dug in his pocket and pulled out the exact change for his drink. The bar tender looked at him and shook his head. "I have wanted to ask you this. How do you continually pay me in exact change?" The bar tender asked. "Most people ask about the ostrage. But well see I was cleaning out the attack at home. I found an old bottle so I cleaned it up and a jenie popped out. He said that he would grant me two wishes. Well my first wish was that no matter what I went to buy. No matter how big or small it was I would have exact change for it." The man said. "Wow that is brillant. I mean you could buy anything that you want. You will always be rich. Most people would have wished for a million dollars or something like that. So what about the ostrage?" The bar tender asked. "I think that the jenie had a sense of humor. Because my second wish was for a chick with long legs." The man answered.

This one is a bit tight, so if your easily offened dont read.

whats the diffrence between David Beckham and Princess Dianna in a penalty shoot out (soccer)

David Beckham scores!
Princess Dianna hits the post!

I don't get it as much as the ostrich joke.

Ok ive got loads , there by a comedian called
Emo Phillips. <So funny!

..and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one just because they're the devil.

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet.

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?" I said, "Well what else would I want it for?"

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?" I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, re-election to the Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"


At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Well there's some. He's a real funny guy! :laugh:

Piggle :roll:
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Saved my fave till last.....
 

Here ya go...


I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. :laugh:


Piggle :roll:
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OK sorry but I re-posted them in here....(Coz this is a jokes thread!)

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watches her husband. After a short time David becomes a little too casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck. David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness. Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!! ............

Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.



So funny!

Piggle
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C'mon post your jokes in here!

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.
Her husband also comes home early, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "25 dollars."
Man: "Fine".

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are In the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "75 dollars."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "100 dollars."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, 100 dollars is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes him sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The Priest says, "Don't start that s**t again!"



Piggle
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New...
 

Since the police are conducting a safety program to encourage people to wear their seat belts, they have agreed to award the first person they see wearing a seatbelt $500.

They pull a car off the road and congratulate the driver for wearing his seatbelt. One policeman asks the driver what he would do with the money.

"Well," the man began, "I think I'll go to driving school and get my license."

"Don't listen to him," the woman next to him complained. "He always talks like that when he's drunk."

Then, a man in the back woke up and yawned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

Suddenly, a knock in the back trunk sounded. A Mexican voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"


Piggle :roll:
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New ones!
 

A lady approaches her priest one day and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. Then, your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she noticed his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots inside the cage with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those damn beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


Piggle :roll:
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