My boss just gave me the best christmas gift I could ever get.

[Chara]

This is more or less a nonsensical rant. I really wont talk about much so go ahead and hit the back button if you want to save yourself a couple of minutes of reading. Really, you probably could make a nice bowl of noodles in the time you would waste reading this topic. Im pretty partial to the shrimp noodles myself. They require next no effort to make and are pretty tasty.

Ok I guess if you read this far you probably made up your mind to read this. Well continue on, then.

Alright, first of all I work at a plumbing/HVAC company. It is a pretty small company with only a few people working here. I work in the office as the office assistant, basically doing all the crap no one else wants to do. I originally came here to just be the computer technician, but that was just something I was supposed to do on the side... I took the job anyway because I was desperate and didnt want to work at some stupid fast food place. There were other reasons I took the job but I will probably explain that later on in this post. Probably not.

Now that you know the background of my job, onto the rest of the post. A few days ago some dude came to the office talking about us doing some work for him later on. He spoke to the office manager about that and she gave a note to me to call our boss and see if it can be done (which I dont know why the hell she couldnt do it herself, it wasnt like was doing a god damned thing at the time while I was freakin busy with coding something for the website). I just said all right and went ahead and called him and he said he couldnt do it till a day later. Well, anyway... fast foward to today and the other guy came by and I told him he was unable to do the job till next week. Guy looked dissapointed, said ok and then left. A few minutes later I get a phone call from my boss, bitching to me about how I told him the wrong date and all that crap. Then he gave me a lecture about how I need to make sure shit is correct and whatever. I couldnt really say anything because I wasnt sure if I gave him the exact date, like I usually do. But what got me pissed off was about how certian skills will help me on later in life, yada, yada, yada like he was my freakin dad. Then started talking about my job performance and shit that wasnt really in my control or my responsibilty (actually nearly all the crap I take the blame for isnt my responsibility). I was about to go off on him but I held by tounge because I knew it was going to lead to him either firing me or me saying I quit, which would really suck because I am dirt broke due to the holiday season.

So I got off the phone, pissed as ever, really feeling like I need to beat the crap out of someone. Eventually once I calmed down, I though about the things he said. He said it indirectly like I was a shy person... I got pissed because I know damn well this isnt true and it felt kinda degrading with him talking ot me like that. I hate being degraded. But, at work, hell ever since like middle school I been like this. I dunno what the hell was up with me for all these years, but I have been a shy-guy for a while and not even known it. I remember first girl that asked me out I just kinda mocked her. At the time I dunno why I did it but I think it kinda crushed her because she reallt didnt even want to talk to me after that. Now when I think of it, that was just because I really didnt know what to say and just avoided the entire situation by doing something stupid... I think that is when I started to be a shy-guy. In highschool I didnt talk to many people and whenever I actually had to do something I would just avoid it in a kinda stupid fashion like I did with that girl in middle school. I mean damn, god knows how many girls liked me in highschool. I just ignored all of them, the ones who made it obvious and the ones who didnt. In JROTC I dont know how the hell I gained an officer rank and was promoted to be flight commander of the most ill-behaved flight in the school (oh boy... was that fun) but I avoided crap there too, barely doing anything except for inspecting them simply because I didnt want to deal with them.

Fast foward to college (went to a community one because I didnt bother to apply to any college during my senior year... I went not really because I wanted to go but rather I was expected to go to college, again part of my shy-guy nature) and it was the same thing all over again... for the most part, at least. Only difference is that I didnt get much attention due to me not seeing people that often. Eventually I stopped going due to my father not paying anymore and me just being my ol' avoidant self and not seeking financial aid. I then spent a few months bumming it up, sitting on the computer from sunup to sundown. Sad thing about it is that I had no problem with this because I didnt have to do anymore work and I could avoid stuff as much as I want because I had no contact with the outside world! Eventually my mother started bitching about how I needed a job, so I got one... and then quit due to me not liking the people there at all. Then I gone back into bummitude for another few months and got this job.

I really didnt mean to go into an entire lifestory there, but my boss saying that I was too damn shy really did make me realize how avoidant I have been over these years and if I continue like this I have no future. I still freakin hate what he said to me and I still want to punch him in the face, but it really did make me think. I have never really done anything to make myself happy, just enough to make life go by and be so-so for me. I mean I never had a girlfriend, I never actually gone out of the house, I have been lying a good part of my life to mask this stuff from other people, and my life has really suffered because of it. So basically my boss has given me the best gift ever, making me snap out of this damn shy-guy spell and have me be me once again.

So yep, now I have a strong motivation to start doing what I want to do because I want to do it and not because anyone expects me to do. Man it seriously does feel good to actually be my good ol' full self for once. I havent seen this guy for years.

The reason I am posting this here is because some things in this post were a few things I needed to get off my chest and tell someone. I remember when I joined PSFantasy I told myself not to lie about anything due to me being such a damn chronic liar all these years and I wanted to stop that. It didnt help any but I think I have been truthful with you guys about nearly everything I posted here. Due to that, this place seems to be the right place for me to post this. I dont care what type of replies I get, or if any replies at all. I just wanted to tell this to someone.

You know, my old self would just close this window because he doesnt want any of this information to get out because he would be afraid of what people would think... Right now all I care about what you people would think about is how terrible my grammar is... I didnt even read over anything in this post and just started typing so I dont even know if this post even makes any sense. I continued typing for about 30 minutes... You know I really should stop typing... Damnit man stop... stop! Just remove your hands from the keyboard...

Alright lets see if I decide to hit the submit button or close this window...

[Hylas]

First of all, it's good to see you again Chara :)
Then, back to topic. I think I know what you mean with this post, not because I am like that, but because my brother is very much as you described yourself. You know what... people can tell you a lot of things, and make you think about your "shy" attitude. You said the comment of your boss made you reflect and you could be yourself once again. Be careful Chara... My brother said so many times after a comment liek that he "realized" anything. In the end he hasn't changed a bit and hasn't done anything after these moments. Being shy sometimes is like a way to escape many responsibilities: having a girlfriend, being in relation to others when we don't like them, finishing our studies, being able to work. Exactly as you said. It's very dangerous because once you enter the circle, even after people make you reflect about things, being your "former self" and free from any weakness is hard. It's easy to understand your own weakness, the hard part is to fully take action when needed after reflecting!

[Chara]

Thanks for the warning, Hylas. I do know how hard it may be to keep this mindset, but every time I do try to do something I used to do I will think about my past and how these things affected my life, something I seriously do not want to continue on doing that. I mean, I am turning 19 in a few weeks and my life isnt going anywhere right now. if I continue on like this next thing I know I will be 32 and still living with my mother. I love my mom and all, but I dont think I want her yelling at me to take out the trash for 14 more years. Besides I pretty much wasted my entire teenage life, I dont want my young adulthood to slip away either. Im not supposed to feel miserable till I have a wife and kids! Well, or so my uncle tells me.

There is still a chance I may just go back to my former self, but I probably will not.

[Pu the Owl]

It's good you feel like this now, it's good you don't want to waste time and chances, it's good you want to change your current status. Yes, it takes a lot of efforts, you must always keep what your goal is in mind, because it's very easy to come back to an apathetic status when you're used to it. I can relate a lot to your post. I am myself one of the persons who call themselves shy. But, I don't know if it's your case too, in my case the word "shy" contains at the same time words as "lazy", "avoidant", "diffident", "weak-willed". Those are the reasons I spent most of my teens and youth in the state you described in your post. Improving when you have no direction is almost impossible sometimes. I mean, you know you can't be that way forever but you are not able to kick your own butt and say to yourself you seriously should do something about it. Your motivations don't have to be all negative to succeed, IMO. You know, if you want to change you have to be the opposite of self-indulgent but very positive about things at the same time. If you keep on telling yourself "I must change because I don't want this and that" or "I don't want things to end this way", you're not really getting into the idea of an actual change. You'll just get scared and terrified by the possibility things won't be as you are expecting and hoping. You should tell yourself "I want to change because I want this and that" or "I want my life to be this way".

I'm not sure what I am saying makes any sense to you. But as a person who have experienced a similar state of mind, I know the best things come only when you stop having reasons to be terrified and you start working hard to make your intentions become tangible.

Good luck Chara!