Epiphany

[Daniel Legge]

Good evening,

Bit of a random thread here, not sure that Epiphany is the right word but it might be. Anyway iv been rather stressed out recently and things have been getting me down and stuff, havent been able to get my ex girlfriend out of my head for more than a few hours at a time. Other stuff stressing me out as well, loads of college work amoung other crap.

So anyway, i was thinking bout the current situation the other day and i just smiled to myself and thought why does it matter?. There was nobody about, just at home on me own and i smiled and it kind of made it all better somehow. It was just like "I don't care what people think im living my life for myself at long last".

This was a few days ago and ever since then whenever i think of something bad i just smile and don't care about it. Its not that i dont care about anything just things that aren't really worth it. Its quite strange, not sure how long it will last but its good.

Very much doubt the above rambling made sense and i know an Epiphany is a spiritul thing and thats not what i have experianced but i guess its similar in a way.

Anyone else ever felt like this or had a similar thing happen to them?

[Uchiha Sasuke]

Very good man. I went through the same thing awhile ago and it definately helps. I mean we can't let such simple things get to us. We need to live our lifes for ourselfs and do it as well as we can. We won't be around forever and we can't be reliving bad memories, we have to move on! Just keep that outlook no matter what happens. Sooner or later down the road there might be a few stones that are in your path, but don't let them get you down. Just take a step forward and keep going. If something is something in your life that has you thinking, the answers will come in due time. Don't rush things and just Live!!

~Will

[happy_doughnut]

I can understand the stress you have been undergoing lately, Daniel, as I have been going through things similar to the ones you posted about.

In fact, the entire month of October was shit. I hardly went to school at all that month because I was feeling so wretchedly horrible and because I suffered a minor accident that prevented me from going for a few days. This all caused me to get very behind in my classes. Hah! Behind?! Who am I trying to kid? I actually had to drop 3 of them because I simply was not going to pass, and am heavily considering dropping another. Now I have 4 W's on my transcripts, possibly going on 5. Great.

October was like this: Bad news. Bad news. Bad news. More bad news. Worse bad news yet. Bad news. Embarrasing bad news. Disheartening bad news. Failure. Deceit. More failure. Bad news. Physically painful bad news. Worst news in the world. More bad news. Failure. Failure. Failure. Give up.

Yep. Just like that. I swear I thought I was literally going to die. I could not fathom how so much shit can happen in 31 days to a single person. I know my life hasn't been sweet roses, but omfg, this topped everything I've ever been through.

Now: I'm probably not going to graduate this year from college since I dropped so many classes and since I still can't garner the strength and motivation to do anything. Even if I did, this semester is essentially lost so I can't do anything anyways. But that's okay. I'm not transfering to a university next year anyway. What does this mean? That my parents are going to hate my very guts.

Everything I have ever worked for came tumbling down and I couldn't do anything about it. Right now, I don't care anymore.

There are moments in which, like you, I smile and tell myself, "Hey, it's all right. There may be more roughness on the way, but I'll get through it. In the end, there has to be a good outcome." I'll smile and go about for the next while trying to be happy and thinking that everything will be okay.

But this, unlike you, only lasts me for a few hours. Then I take a look at my situation again and realize that I'm lying to myself. That I'm not happy and that there is nothing that guarrantees me any form of happiness in the long run. I know this is depressing and perhaps even morbid; I know this is a very destructive way to think, but I can't help it.

I try to go on and not care about the useless things, but unfortunately, these are things that I'm trying to label as useless so that I may not be hurt by them, when in reality they are my everything.

Sometimes I'm just sick of trying to think positively. Sometimes I'm just sick of living in dream-land and being this ridiculous dreamer that dreams of better tomorrows. Sometimes I'm just sick of it all.

I try to smile and think nice thoughts and, like you, to think that I should just live life for myself. But then I ask myself--how can I live life for myself if everything that makes up myself is gone? I can't reconstruct these things because they were all torn down in such a manner that everything really is helpless.

Then I get mad because, not to be arrogant or egocentric or anything like that, I don't think I desserve all of this. All I have done is try to go through with it all, even when it has been so hard. But then what? Everything just disappears, and I am caught by surprise.

I wish I had an epiphany like yours. Maybe if I did I would be able to snap out of it. I have been going to parties, being with friends/people in general, smoking an awful lot, and have even begun to drink. I know this is not the answer to anything, but it doesn't seem to matter anymore. When I am out, laughing at jokes with people, smoking cigarettes, and drinking different types of alcohol, I feel as though, even if it is for a short moment, the clouds finally leave. But then I am awakened again only to realize that the sun still hasn't returned.

Yeah, I used to smoke before this. Well, kind of. I first tried it many years ago and liked it, but then stopped for several years. When this started getting rough, I picked it up again in order to ease my nerves. Now I'm going through multiple packs everyday. I've never been a drinker, though. I had drank once or twice before, but only light stuff and when I was with my family. Now I'm whisking down loads of alcohol to the point where I forget anything I do the next day. Again, I know this is all terribly unhealthy and even coward-like, but who cares?

I failed here, I failed there, and there. . . Even after trying so fucking hard to succeed. Yes, I did try hard. Very hard. But so what, right?

Sometimes I can hardly recongnize myself. Out of the 6 classes I enrolled in, aiming to get A's in all of them, I am now only in 3 and soon maybe only 2, and will be damn lucky if I get C's. I'm going out almost every night to smoke and drink--things I would never do before.

I know this is not me. I know I am wrong. I know I am mistakened. I know that I'm being a coward because I am not dealing with things properly. But then again, maybe I was always like this. Maybe this is the way I really am. Maybe I was just putting on a facade, trying to be Ms. Genius and Ms. Wholesome. Maybe I just tried to make a new personality for myself. Maybe that's why everything is now gone--because it was never mine to begin with.

I don't know anymore, and frankly I just don't care anymore.

PS: My apologies if I totally went off topic. I just wanted to say that even though it seems both of us are undergoing crap, I've yet to experience the liberation you did. Instead I am, well, read above...

[Redpyramidhead]

What you had, imo, was indeed an epiphany. Epiphanies can be both small and more profound. Either way, I think the lesson that you learned is also part of a bigger realization that will come to you in time. It may even be something you already know deep inside about life and how to cope, but you have not come to realize it completely consciously yet. It's just a matter of connecting the dots from past experiences and what you already know. That's basically what an ephiphany is. What you realized:

It was just like "I don't care what people think im living my life for myself at long last".

Is I think a very common thing to realize as people grow up and mature as they learn to deal with life's hardships. As you start to leave adolescence behind, things start to become "more of the norm" to you one's self and they realize they can maintain their sanity by keeping their eye on what's more important and not using all or nothing thinking so much. So, basically what I am saying is, I think you are growing up man. That's a good thing, obviously. It's not something that you don't have to worry about being sure whether it will last or not, because as long as you keep realizing things like this in life and keep maturing... a lot of the time you can atleast keep up with the amount of stress you have to deal with in life. It doesn't get easier, but at the same time it does... if that makes any sense.

So, the point is, always remember when you come to a realization like this. It is always important in life and part of a larger spiritual journery as you grow into yourself in life while you are able to make it through all of its hardships... each time making you stronger.

OK, I think that's it for now... but epiphanies are important... so I had to go on a bit about it... heh.

PEACE


_RED_ stuff

[tempted]

Oh what an interesting thread...how come i only saw it now? :confused:
anyways, and epiphany eh? well yes and no...i guess i can say i'm a bit like mena, ever since i can remember starting making my own decisions, and acting like an adult, that my life has been a woderful time of...well...lets say problems...i don't want to use any "bad" words...for example, i'm trapped with a job that i don't want, and i live a life that i don't want to be able to help my family, and everytime i seem to be getting close to achieving my goals, something happens and it all goes down hill, and i have to start over again. I think the past 2 years have been the most hard to deal with, 3 deaths in the family, constant fights, and whole bunch of other problems just pretty much ruined me and made me get into an on and off state of depression, but sometimes, like you daniel, i like to tell myself, that it's just a bad phase and it will eventually go away, and that indeed makes me feel better, and during those times, i push myself into feeling stronger and into thinking that i am strong and can deal with all the probelms, and move forward but then at the tiniest thing, i simply fall apart. I'm kind of strange when dealing with problems...say something bad happens and ruins what i'm trying to do, or a new obstacle gets in my way, i don't fall apart right away, i try to deal with it, and get it fixed, but then, when it's all resolved, and i should be all happy, i just feel so hopeless, and weak, that i start thinking that it will always be like that, no matter what i do or how much i try, there will always be something in between me and my goals. And so much like mena said, it gets harder and harder to think positive when, no matter how hard you try or how much of yourself you put into making your life better, things just seem to be impossible to achieve. Obviously i'm only talking about my life, without getting into all the emotional parts of it, love that is lol. As everyone or almost everyone here in the forums probably knows, that part doesn't make me feel good either. For the last month or month and a half maybe, because of all that, i can't even recognize myself. I've pretty much hit the bottom.


I thought funny, not really funny, but i can somewhat relate to what mena said about how she didn't smoke and now not only she smokes a ton but also drinks to make herself forget about how shitty things are, usually or normally i wasn't the kind of person to that either, i don't smoke, probable never will, but i drink myself stupid just to forget about things, well it's not really to forget, cause not even when i drink i can forget how bad things are, but to smile and laugh since i can't do it anymore if i'm "sober". I tried getting help, but that only made things worse. Someone had the miserable idea of giving me sleeping pills again, if you mix it with booze, the results aren't really something you'd wanna see.

And it all kinda gets on my nerves, because i constantly question my ability to do things, that when i'm in a "normal" state of mind, i know that i'm good at and can do without any problem.


The funniest thing is, like 2 weeks ago i thought i had had an epiphany...and i forced myself to feel better, but it only lasted until yesterday morning, not because something bad happen, but just because i had a conversation with someone that made me remember something that i'm desperately trying to forget, a specific night, that for someone's selfishness and bad use of words...i ended up in the hospital...anyways...to end all this Epiphany subject, i don't think i have had any "real" one, i think it's more that i caught a bad habit with almost everyone that makes or made part of my life, and that is to lie to me.


But good luck Daniel...i honestly hope yours last longer than mine.

[Pu the Owl]

I'd rather call what you're describing "enlightenment" instead of calling it "epiphany". Temporary or not, doesn' really make a difference.

Keep on following your inspiration. When it happens, never let the positive state go. Or at least try to not let it intentionally go. That's what I try to do when I feel like this. There are so many little things that are obscured by stupid worries everyday. You can't enjoy life if you're too much used to negativeness. Negativeness is a shiny trap. Your ego must be nurtured and taken care of. It's just that is a lot easier to come back to negative feelings whenever something goes wrong. Being miserable doesn't require a constant work. It's very natural most of the times. And sadly, very "human". It takes efforts to keep on thinking positive when there's a change of tide.