i need some advice.

[tempted]

Ok so i need a lot of advice on a situation that is going on in my life right now, and i'm lost in between hating and loving someone just the same. No don't worry, i don't want you to tell me what to do, i just want to know what would you do in this situation. If it happened to you, which i sincerely hope it never does, i wouldn't like to believe there's more stupid people like myself around here. So i'm gonna tell you all a story and it's a bit long so bare with me please. Ok last year, towards the end of March, i met a guy on the internet, we started talking, and we became friends, at that time he was dating someone, and i honestly didn't want to be in any kind of relationship, i wasn't looking for anything at all. After awhile the girl he was with dumped him, and for some reason he turned to me, as time passed we became closer and closer, and we ended up "falling in love", i think i mentioned this before on the boards, anyways, things we're going ok, but since he lives on the other side of the Atlantic, our biggest obstacle was how to deal with the distance, so for awhile he made me and himself believe that he was going to come see me by the end of the summer, but somehow in between that he gave up, and dumped me. And not only that, but he completely ignored me for more than a month. After that and because i am a mature woman, or i like to think i am lol...i decided to talk to him, my atempt didn't go well, i got yelled at...then a few weeks later it was him who tried to fix things, and we managed to became friends again, now during this whole time, we had many many many fights and conversations about "us"...but i never asked him anything in return of how i felt, i was treated like garbage, i listened to him talk non stop for months about the girl he was with before i came along and oh so many others, i was lied to, and well never mind the rest of the bad...cause i really don't want to remember it right now...but even though i was being hurt, i still managed to stay his friend and support him the best way i could. Obviously there were a couple more "breaks" in our friendship, i mean i'm not made of stone, i'm not unbreakable. Now in July, this person told me he still loved me, but then again, he didn't even want to try and make things work, even though i told him i was willing to change my life and move to be with him, and once again, i got denied and hurt. but still we remained friends...But what's really making me write this in here, is that 2/3 weeks ago, and when i wasn't hoping for anything coming from him anymore, he brought the "issue" up again, and he asked me to go visit him, so that we could meet and then think about being together "forever"...but since after going through all i've been through i got scared of being denied again, we talked and i told him i needed time to think and that i was going to talk to my mom for some advice, well i talked to my mom and she gaves us a very good solution, and it actually came as a surprise to me, cause i never expected that kind of reaction from my mom, but anyways, it was both a great solution not just for us to meet but also for me to see how truthful he was being this time, so and since this guy doesn't have enough money to come see me, and since i don't think that after all i've been through, i should be the one that had to go see him, my mom offered to pay for him to come here, and well he asked me time to think, and obviously i agreed, but somewhere in between now and the night we had that conversation, i found out a bit of a lie, and i got scared, and i acused him of lying to me, again, but he explained himself, and the situation, and i felt bad and apologized, but after that, i was pushed away...and one night i got up at 4am to be able to talk to him and i got yelled at and we once again had a fight and now guess what?! i'm pretty much being denied again! lol...and he actually had the courage to tell me he "likes me sometimes"...SOMETIMES!! :frust: ...yes i know you're all going to say, it's my fault and i shouldn't allow him to treat me like this...and that's where i am right now, i don't have anymore strength to deal with this kind of thing, i'm tired of fighting, and it really makes me hate myself for being such an idiot. Even though at the same time i don't regret or feel bad for the way i feel about him at all. :shame:

So now that i've indulged you on my love life...my question is, or questions are...what would you do if you were me? would you try to do something to fix things? or just tell him to buzz off? or i don't know...i'm so lost about what to think...that i don't even remember any questions, maybe i'm just venting...oh well.

sorry for the long post...but i'm completely lost...i talk to friends...and they're not much of help. :shame:

[Sleazy P Martini]

Hmmm.....he "likes me sometimes". That there sounds like he only wants you when he's lonely. I'm not Dr. Phil hehe, but if I were in your shoes, I would send him packing.

[Pu the Owl]

From what I read, I don't think he's being very reliable and serious about you and this matter in general. Confusion, fear of loneliness, need to be reassured only in particular moments, egocentrism... I don't know which among these and many other reasons could make him act like he does. Being you I'd be pretty lost myself, but as a person who sees things from the outside, I say to be really cautious: don't give your everything, also your hopes, to a person who's treating you like that and keeps on playing with your feelings. You probably want to fix everything, but certain relationships and situations really can't be "fixed". It's tough decision, but being things as you describe them, being also distance a problem to make this relationship work, I'd give up and move on with life.

[Faile]

I think that if I were you, I'd find the situation unworkable, which would be quite sad given the emotional investment we put in to situations. Of course, in this, as with all matters of such, you should go with your heart and act on instinct. Anything else is just a personal torment really. Or so I find it.
I hope you work things out in a way that leaves you happy. Happiness in all things is the most we can really want for in life, I think.

[tempted]

thanks guys...i made a last atempt to talk to him, but he doesn't want or can't talk to me. so yeah...i don't really know what to think or say...i guess it's over. for good this time. :shame: ...thanks anyways.

[Uchiha Sasuke]

As usual I'm always right about these situations. Funny you never listen to me. You'll learn over time. The road ahead is much more bumpy.

~Will

[Faile]

Nothing quite like gloating, is there? The thing is Uchiha, life isn't something you can do by taking advice all the time. You have to live it and make your own mistakes, otherwise you might as well just close yourself away from reality. We all ask for advice from time to time, but how many of us actually follow it? What would be the fun in that? Even when we crash and burn, we're still bleeding in our own light, to borrow a phrase.

[Uchiha Sasuke]

Nothing quite like gloating, is there? The thing is Uchiha, life isn't something you can do by taking advice all the time. You have to live it and make your own mistakes, otherwise you might as well just close yourself away from reality. We all ask for advice from time to time, but how many of us actually follow it? What would be the fun in that? Even when we crash and burn, we're still bleeding in our own light, to borrow a phrase.

Dude you have no idea. You can only make mistakes so much. If you keep running down that same road over and over again what the the hell good are you doing youself. Theres something called learning from your mistakes and making changes. Plus I don't think there is anything fun about her situation buddy, espically if you know what I know. I've expierenced many of these situations and I know how to look at them, espically when studying this junk. She needs to make her stand and give up because shes given enough chances. Nuff said and stop the BS.

~Will

[tempted]

As usual I'm always right about these situations. Funny you never listen to me. You'll learn over time. The road ahead is much more bumpy.

~Will


Dude you have no idea. You can only make mistakes so much. If you keep running down that same road over and over again what the the hell good are you doing youself. Theres something called learning from your mistakes and making changes. Plus I don't think there is anything fun about her situation buddy, espically if you know what I know. I've expierenced many of these situations and I know how to look at them, espically when studying this junk. She needs to make her stand and give up because shes given enough chances. Nuff said and stop the BS.

~Will



Ok thank you for the "i told you so"...i actually hadn't had enough of that yet. :sarcasm: Yes Will, you were right, you were right all along, ever since i told you about it last year, is that what you want to hear?! i know you care about me, and i know i've made ALOT of mistakes and put our friendship (as in yours and mine) at risk over this, but i bet my own life that anyone that feels like i feel about him, and after going through all i've been trough, if anyone heard him talk the way i did, would give him ANOTHER chance, i couldn't help it, i had to do it, it hurts beyhond belief now, and i don't wish this to anybody, but doing it also helped me to know and understood alot of things, things that i didn't want to see before.



Nothing quite like gloating, is there? The thing is Uchiha, life isn't something you can do by taking advice all the time. You have to live it and make your own mistakes, otherwise you might as well just close yourself away from reality. We all ask for advice from time to time, but how many of us actually follow it? What would be the fun in that? Even when we crash and burn, we're still bleeding in our own light, to borrow a phrase.


Thanks Faile. And you're right, before doing it i only talked about it with 3 people, Will here being one of them, all of them were saying the same thing, he's an idiot and more than likely would do this to me again, but the thing is, and one of my friends told me this and this friend really hates this guy for everything i've been through, he said that it sounded too good to be true, and he was tired of seing me hurt over him, but he understood that i had to do it, not only because by some remote chance he could actually mean it, but because he knows how i feel, i just had to do it. But all in all, i was a bit carefull this time, and that's why i didn't went to see him, and instead i (my mom actually) offered to pay for him to come here, now i know and believe that if he doesn't/didn't want to make this tiny bit of effort and come to see me, that he never meant anything of what he told me and i was never more than a toy. I gave him everything and i still got denied, so don't worry Will, this time i learned my lesson. :shame:

[merylsilverburg]

You can only make mistakes so much. If you keep running down that same road over and over again what the the hell good are you doing youself.

Okay, not to add fuel to the fire or anything but Uchiha, I also remember you making a lot of mistakes in the past...way back then, when you posted about your love life. Yet, you didn't seem to learn from your own mistakes because you came on a lot to talk about them and most of the problems you mentioned were somewhat about the same area/subject. So, how you be so justified to say something like this?

And Faile, I think that Uchiha and Kaena are very, very close, so I'm sure they have talked about her situation many times privately. Perhaps Uchiha had said something or gave a lot of advice already, which is why he was so exasperated when he learned she was still stuck in this problem of hers. So, I guess since you didn't know why he was so haughty, you shouldn't really say he's gloating.

[Uchiha Sasuke]

Okay, not to add fuel to the fire or anything but Uchiha, I also remember you making a lot of mistakes in the past...way back then, when you posted about your love life. Yet, you didn't seem to learn from your own mistakes because you came on a lot to talk about them and most of the problems you mentioned were somewhat about the same area/subject. So, how you be so justified to say something like this?

Yeah but you must also realize that was a loong time ago. I have learned from my mistakes and I am not making those same step again. I'm not saying I'm some sort of god but I did a learn a bunch of very important lessons. So now I don't get caught of guard and I absolutely don't put myself into such crazy situations anymore.

~Will

[merylsilverburg]

Yeah but you must also realize that was a loong time ago. I have learned from my mistakes and I am not making those same step again. I'm not saying I'm some sort of god but I did a learn a bunch of very important lessons. So now I don't get caught of guard and I absolutely don't put myself into such crazy situations anymore.

~Will

That's good for you, but you have to realize that while you may have learned from your mistakes, perhaps Kaena hasn't done that so she needs to make the mistake in order to learn from it, instead of taking advice. Because when a person is in a tough spot, they don't know which advice to take and which not to. I think that's why Faile said what he said. So, you shouldn't be so haughty as to say "As usual I'm always right about these situations, funny you never listen to me." That's all I'm saying.

[Faile]

Theres something called learning from your mistakes and making changes. Plus I don't think there is anything fun about her situation buddy, espically if you know what I know. I've expierenced many of these situations and I know how to look at them, espically when studying this junk. She needs to make her stand and give up because shes given enough chances. Nuff said and stop the BS.

~Will

You've got to make mistakes to learn from them. Also, please do not speak down to me with all this "Nuff said and stop the BS" nonsense. If you have a problem with me, or my opinion, you can PM me.

[tempted]

I think Will forgot that him and i are 2 complete different people, what it's a mistake for you, may not be one for me, like i said, i don't feel bad for the way i feel about him, nor will i ever, he didn't want me, fine. I gave him all i could, i'm not going to regret doing this, the thing i do regret was believing in him when i shouldn't. Nothing more. I've learned a lot with him, things i more than likely would never learn with anyone else. Anyways, i'm losing my line of thought, the point is, you don't have to be rash to others (ie:Faile) because you think i should act like you. I posted this here, in hope that someone would help me, Faile was nice enough to post and try to help, if you want to be mean, say and do it to me, not to someone who tried to help me.

[Uchiha Sasuke]

LOL!!! Wow! Good game peeps. And Faile bite me.

[tempted]

LOL!!! Wow! Good game peeps. And Faile bite me.

very mature Will! congrats! ;)

[happy_doughnut]

LOL!!! Wow! Good game peeps. And Faile bite me.

What's your problem, man? Meryl pointed out what I was going to: I remember that a long time ago you used to have many problems in reagrds of your love life, and you would come here to post about it an seek advice. Many members gave you the same advice: to forget it and move on. Yet within a few days or weeks, you would still come back to declare you were still stomped on the same situation. Did you forget this?

You say that we must learn from our mistakes, and well, while that sounds nice, this isn't the way it always happens. Nevertheless, I agree with you: we do need to learn from the things we do wrong in the past in order to avoid falling prey to the same things again in the future. However, you speak in a very condenscending manner. It seems to me that you "forgot" how stomped you were on your problems, despite people giving you the same advice. Maybe you have told Kaena what you think, but you have to understand that just like you, she too is "stuck" in this problem and that just like you, she will get over. But, also just like you, it takes time and more than one person to tell her. Furthermore, she needs her own self to convince herself of what she really wants.

You are getting riled up at the wrong persons, anyway.

Back to the topic: From past experieces, which have been oh, so sour, I can honestly sympathize with you, Kaena. There are times when you realize that you are wrong and that your behavior is inappropriate, yet you can't help it. I'm pretty sure that deep down inside of yourself, you know the answer.

All I can say is that it is quite easy to give advice when you are not actually in the situation, even if you have experienced something similar. Everyone has their own personality and ways to deal with things. Because of this, what X may do may seem ridiculous to Y. From what you have said, it seems to me that the relationship has been dead for a long time already. It seems that you are trying to cling onto something that was never yours to begin with. In relationships, there are bound to be difficult times, but you must be conscientious that in order to it to be a healthy one, the good times must outweigh the bad times by a significant number.

Don't try to fool yourself. Don't try to think that maybe if you stick around long enough, he will appreciate you and come to you and you will be ever so happy. This is not so. Don't sell yourself so short. Love can be a beautiful thing, but it can also go rotten. It is the one thing that has the potential to give and take life. You surely know this.

This doesn't even sound like a relationship to me. It merely sounds like this person is only going to you whenever he feels lonely. What's your gain from this? He gets comfort, but what about you? What about your needs and wants? Is he there for you? It sure doesn't seem that way.

In order for a relationship to work, both parties must work hard. They must join together in order to overcome the difficulties ahead and to indulge in the happiness afterwards. But how can this be if he seems to not want to? If he doesn't want to, then it means he doesn't want to.

It's hard to forget and move on. People toss that around like it's a remedy you can buy over the counter. I know it's hard, but I also know it's not impossible.

Ask yourself: Are you really willing to yourself in to something that has no foundation?

You can't build castles in the air. You can only dream and imagine them, but they are not real.

I hope you get through this. You desserve more than that. You desserve someone willing to love you and willing to be loved, all of the time.

[tempted]

i think i talked to you about it one time, the only time we talked actually lol...like i said, and i think no one noticed, i wasn't hoping for anything else coming from him anymore, he was the one who brought it up, i was his friend, as i will always be, but i honestly even though i still felt it, i just didn't hope for anything more, one month before this, i had already decided to give up, i think that's when i talked about it with you..."i love you but i can't do it" <- that pretty much did it for me. And if you ask me, i was angry for the first few days, when all i wanted was to talk to him and try to understand him, but right now, the anger is gone, maybe because deep down i always knew this would happen, or no, i think it's more for the fact that something tells me i'm not the one losing in this. not trying to sound conceited. :zip:

[merylsilverburg]

LOL!!! Wow! Good game peeps. And Faile bite me.

Wow. Oh wow...your maturity is astonishing...you know, in fact, I think everyone should follow suit...you know, that way, these forums can turn into every other braindead forums on the net. If you're going to spew out such childish things, perhaps Faile should come on and say "Sticks and stone will break my bones, but words could never hurt me" because I feel this is the only way to have a "mature" conversation with you.

So, what's wrong, huh? What's the matter with you, huh? Your behavior in the past few years/months or whatnot have been really negative and condescending and whenever someone disagrees with you, you get all defensive in this same really aggravating, childish way. If you're going to self-proclaim that you've "learned from your mistakes" well then, newsflash, learning from your mistakes is a form of growing up/maturing, so if you are still going about with the "Bite me" or "Stop the BS" or "Good game peeps" well I guess you haven't really grown up at all. So don't you dare go around with such a confident arrogant attitude saying "You'll learn over time, the road ahead is much more bumpy" or that you've "learned from your mistakes." So, in the words of Uchiha Sasuke: "Stop the BS" your attitude is geting old.

[Infernal Mass]

This doesn't even sound like a relationship to me. It merely sounds like this person is only going to you whenever he feels lonely. What's your gain from this? He gets comfort, but what about you? What about your needs and wants? Is he there for you? It sure doesn't seem that way.


that's what i gathered too, from the details that were given. sounds kinda like an emotional leech.