PDA

View Full Version : invincible part 2


007_JamesBond
Feb 8th, 2002, 12:35 PM
here you go part 2



During the time of passing in his school, unknowing to him and the rest of the world something had arrived on the planet called Earth. It just so happens that this time the force did take time and they decided that they would have fun at the expense of people, the infestation they called it, upon this planet. First they started to enslave some of the people on this planet, which can only be described as evil stretching forth his hand in the mighty depths of hell, and unleashing it upon Earth. They did this without feeling any remorse for the life on it. Then when they were done with the poor defenseless people they would kill them and laugh at them while they pleaded for their pathetic pointless lives, as they would call it. Then as a sudden twist of fate the force came to the very town that the young man was living, then almost by some sort of fate or destiny the force came to the school. While this unstoppable force was on the doorstep of this school, the young man felt something, sort of like a sixth sense thing. He knew something was about to happen, but not what. As the force was about to enter the door of the school a mother of a child who went to this very school stepped out into the street and pleaded for them to leave the school alone.

"No, Please they are just children, leave them alone," this woman pleaded with a sound of sadness in her voice.

Then the force for the moment turned their attention to this woman who was not asking them to spare her life, but the life of her child. The only thing that would keep these monsters away from that school is if they had found something else that would be more fun. So they think that they will amuse themselves with her now and come back to this school later. She started to run, to help draw the attention away from the school, but she underestimated the speed of them. She only made it about a hundred feet before she was dragged down and slaughtered in front of the building where her son was in class. The instant that the scream left from the mouth of the mother her son somehow knew that something very bad happened and that it is only the beginning.

Then this force rushed in to the school killing all it could find, entering classrooms destroying the lives of the teachers and the students that were there. Then a team of them entered room 227 the same room that the young man had. First they took out the teacher then started on the classmates, the horror was great and there was blood all over the place but through the screams there was one that did not yell nor scream. He stood up, walked over and stopped in front of this force and just looks with an eye piercing look on his face.

"For why do you stand agaisnt this unbeatable......well force?" said a member of the force team.

The boy just looked at him then a small smirk ran across his face, and when this enemy of all saw it, it filled them with rage because no one did this, no one. This force then turned all its attention to this one who defies them. The one that was smirked at decided that he would kill him alone, for he does not need any help.

"No one has ever one against them and no one ever will," he said.

The one member of the force that decided he would fight hr got ready and there the young man stood only about 15 feet away starring at him.

The member of the force began to charge at the young man and before he got started it was over. He took two steps and a blow was given right to him in the chest from which he would not survive. And there only a few inches away from this member who was unbeatable stood the young man. The other members of the force that were in the room stood in awe as their leader dropped to the ground, They asked themselves repeatedly on how he moved so far so fast and packed so much punch. They decided to see if really was that fast, so they both attacked at the same time. The young man just stood there and started to shake his head,

"Why wont you learn?" the young man says.

"Before you die, asked the stunned members of the force, I, I mean we would like to know how an inferior being such as you can move so quickly?"

"Fine then if that is what you want really to be the final question of your life, so it will be. I honesly dont really know. I learned to bottle up my anger when I was very young, you see and when you broke into this place and killed innocent people, especially my friends forcing me to watch them die for no reason at all. That would probably be the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. Some thing in me snapped causing me to loose part of my self, who led the anger in me to explode, which gave me the power I needed to destroy that, that thing. He was nothing compared to Me." the young man says as he stands there and smiles at them.

While this is going on the rest of the class just stood there dumbfounded, all of their jaws just dropped to the floor all at once. The class was now paying no attention to the dead but rather to him. They all thought to themselves how on earth he got like this. He is just like us, we made fun of him, insulted him and here he stands saving our lives, Why? they may never know the real reason but to them the young man held their lives in his hand. Then when the fighting began between the young man and the two force members. The students were in absolute silence, not a peep was heard. The young man thought to himself, the only remote chance that they would have is if they both attacked together, even then they both would still lose, but it would be more fun for me. They did of course, they threw punches and kicks, but none, not a one seemed to have affected him not even in the slightest for some reason they didn't even come close to hitting him. He seemed to move faster than that of which these members of this force could only imagine. He had moved fast enough that when he was done amusing himself with this inferior race, he finished them off at his maximum; they did not know what hit him. They dropped faster than a poipcicle did on a hot summer night. When he had defeated these two monsters, turned to the remaining members of his class who had a sigh of releif.

JC Denton
Feb 8th, 2002, 03:50 PM
thats reaaaaaaaly good!:D lots of killing * lets out an evil laugh*
blood and gore*more laughing*. Whish i was that good at writing.:(

Hylas
Feb 8th, 2002, 05:27 PM
ahhh you posted part two!

Very good, yes.
But scary in some parts! brrrrrrrr

*shivers*

Cannibal Clown
Feb 8th, 2002, 05:44 PM
I love reading this 007. It's really good. Your ideas are great and you've got a really awesome plot going.

But I think that you should put more detail on the force. As in have more depth in what they are doing as they travel from place to place. I'm not necessarely talking about diologe, more like atmospheric description and feelings about the situations. Then you could probally make these ten or so pages into twenty or even thirty some pages long.

You've got more than enough to work with to make this story really kick ass, now all you have to do is make it seem like the reader is really there, feeling the wind and hearing the screams of people in the back and seeing the dimming sun and haze and everything else that gives hollywood all of its glammor.

And just a suggestion, I think you should leave the whole explaining of the kid about his powers to himself. I mean, when the force asks the boy about his abilities, I'd just jump right to the smirk and have him kill em off. He should be feeling that they don't deserve his time and that all of them should just die with no remorse. Make him seem like Satan to these guys, but have him be as nothing more than a good happy friend to his classmates. have him explaine to them about his power, where you can put a lot of time and depth into it.

I'm not trying to change your story, I think it's awesome, I just think that you could use a second opinion. If you want we can talk about it at school. I really want to come up with some character designs for the people in your story, I've already got some really cool ideas.

I hope you take what I've said into consideration and maybe respond about it. I'd like your input on what you have to say in return to what I've just mentioned.

Hylas
Feb 8th, 2002, 05:47 PM
These are very good suggestions! I think you can improve your story even more if you follow some of them!
I'm not good for advice regarding writing stories, but I think CC here has a good point!

Rei
Feb 8th, 2002, 06:46 PM
You can choose to follow CC's suggestions (very smart indeed) or not.
I think you can leave it as it is. It's a very good story IMO.

IcyMourdor
Feb 8th, 2002, 08:39 PM
Nice job, 007. I like all the gore and stuff.

007_JamesBond
Feb 9th, 2002, 01:46 PM
Thanks I will post the next part of the story soon, and I will use some of those sugestion when I finally print out my finished product, and I am on 11 pages so far.

Soul Angel
Feb 9th, 2002, 03:53 PM
Wow that was really good 007! :D

I like it the story is very interesting and that :)
Can't wait to read the next chapter ;)

Pearl
Feb 10th, 2002, 06:34 AM
Lots of killings here!
I hope it's not a leitmotiv of the whole story! :D

007_JamesBond
Feb 10th, 2002, 05:16 PM
and about the description of how bad the force is is better during the story and its interaction with me, the guy

Zelgadis
Feb 16th, 2002, 01:10 AM
good job 007 no 4real man i like ur story keep it up and hurry hurry post rest of it :)