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May 24th, 2003, 09:02 AM | #1 |
Chokyonim
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Cincy,OH
Age: 37
Posts: 113
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"Defective"
I think I am defective
built and delivered with missing parts a few screws loose, most thoughts undetected infected with weapons of mass destructiveness in my heart, if I’d been tested My ass no doubt would have been quickly rejected- dropped me in S&H, at least once or twice thrice possibly... maybe four maybe more maybe before maybe I’s born save me, baby I’m torn baby I scorn the day that this here baby was ever born- cracked lenses led me to believe everything that I see is really real, real is deceptive, like a collective mass of detectives and tax collectors; my heart pumps cold stricken, thickened by mishandling untold, my sensory nerves short circuit- me in love? It’s a sight to behold; I think my senses were sold to the highest bidder and why the f*** am I so damn bitter? What made me such a quitter? My eyes flitter in search of a church-like assembly that I relate to continually, I just wanna fit in with all those who were made properly my tag reads: “PROPERTY OF THE UNITED STATES, 1986, All Rights Reserved” wait is it really this place that created me? Damn, I thought I came from a better herd, Wait why are my knees trembly? Am I missing my Patella? Why do my hands shake? Is there a break in my Ulna? I’ll tell ya I was made this way I’m not the fastest, the smartest or the strongest the shortest or the longest the tallest or the most afrocentrongest... s***, that aint even a word is it? You know my brain was misassembled so forgive and forget it. All in all I am proud of the Paul that I’ve become regardless the of defects... Regardless of the defects. []D
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Jun 5th, 2003, 03:12 PM | #2 |
Senior Member
Joined: Jun 2003
Location: Wales
Age: 37
Posts: 537
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I think the poem is quite good, sounds like the person who wrote it (you) found himself. It's like getting to know yourself.
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Jun 7th, 2003, 01:42 AM | #3 |
EVA 00 Pilot
Joined: Jan 2002
Location: NERV
Age: 41
Posts: 2,239
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Some parts of it seems about acceptance, some others like if this acceptance is still impossible to achieve. It's pretty harsh towards the self, but it doesn't fall into self-pity, which is a good quality IMO.
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Jun 10th, 2003, 02:47 PM | #4 |
450BHP Psycopath
Joined: Jun 2003
Location: UK
Age: 34
Posts: 336
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OK this is a good poem because of two reasons
The first reason is that even though it is harsh towards the self you do not fall into the usual trap that some people fall into in poems/stories and go towards self pity. This shows quality in the writing. The second reason is that (how do I put this) it works! Basically from start to finish it uses good structure and wordage. Thats baout all I acn say on the topic really.
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