Fallen.

tempted · May 13th, 2004, 04:29 PM

I wrotte this tonight..i dunno if it's good enough to be posted in here but it's sort of how i've been feeling lately..some of you might know what it's about so i guess for you who know it will be more understandable than to the others but anyway i just hope you all like it ...

Fallen..

Now that you're not here
i look at me and i see
how deep i've fallen
fallen into you
It's stonger than me
i need you my friend
everything goes wrong without you
now that lonelyness is felt stronger
i scream it's stronger than me
being without you
and look at me
how deep i've fallen
it's a punisment to be without you
now that my skin,my mouth and thirst
only want you to be me with me..
my biggest fear is to say, say theese words..
stuck in my head
it's stronger than me
to be without you
how deep i've fallen
i need you ..i miss you
without you everything goes wrong ..so wrong..
look at me
how deeply i've fallen
fallen into....you.

trunks69420 · May 14th, 2004, 05:55 AM

well i think this is very nice and very heartfelt... and please... if some of the stuff i write i post here is here... then guess what? this is definitely here... actually i really like it alot and i really like when a person lets their emotions flow in front of everyone *obviously... i do it all the time* it really shows strength to me and i commend you on it

so again.. great job

Hylas · May 14th, 2004, 11:11 AM

Nice work eli

I'd like to ask... is it dedicated to someone in particular?

Lost_myth · May 14th, 2004, 11:26 AM

I felt like you were trying to create a rhythm that you didn't quite tackle throughout your poem and your pacing seems off. You have some errors in there, like spelling, that I would suggest changing. Believe it or not, sometimes spelling errors can distort the poem in its entirety. Your message has potential but the way you convey your break down is weak.

tempted · May 14th, 2004, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hylas

Nice work eli

I'd like to ask... is it dedicated to someone in particular?

Well it's not dedicated to anyone but it's about someone who i've been thinking and missing alot lately..

..hope that answers your question..

Quote:

I felt like you were trying to create a rhythm that you didn't quite tackle throughout your poem and your pacing seems off. You have some errors in there, like spelling, that I would suggest changing. Believe it or not, sometimes spelling errors can distort the poem in its entirety. Your message has potential but the way you convey your break down is weak.

Well i don't intend to writte as a professional would ..i only wrotte what i was feeling last night and well me being portuguese it's obviously that i may make some spelling errors while writting in english ...but thanks for your opinion..

Lost_myth · May 15th, 2004, 02:55 PM

That's cool, I know how that is. Writing poetry in spanish is sometimes difficult for me. I make spelling errors to be usually mine or on purpose. English is a really hard second language.

Hylas · May 17th, 2004, 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kaena

Well it's not dedicated to anyone but it's about someone who i've been thinking and missing alot lately..

..hope that answers your question..

Yep, that sort of answers my question, thank you

Piggle_humsy · Jun 3rd, 2004, 08:00 PM

Very nice Eli, Your emotions come across strongly in this poem.
Sorry to hear that your feeling this way.
It always helps to express your feelings so i'm glad you felt comfortable enough here to share them with us.

I hope things improve for you.
Being apart from someone you care about is hard.

Piggle

x x x x

May 13th, 2004, 04:29 PM	#1
tempted Senior Member Joined: Aug 2003 Posts: 2,265	Fallen. I wrotte this tonight..i dunno if it's good enough to be posted in here but it's sort of how i've been feeling lately..some of you might know what it's about so i guess for you who know it will be more understandable than to the others but anyway i just hope you all like it ... Fallen.. Now that you're not here i look at me and i see how deep i've fallen fallen into you It's stonger than me i need you my friend everything goes wrong without you now that lonelyness is felt stronger i scream it's stronger than me being without you and look at me how deep i've fallen it's a punisment to be without you now that my skin,my mouth and thirst only want you to be me with me.. my biggest fear is to say, say theese words.. stuck in my head it's stronger than me to be without you how deep i've fallen i need you ..i miss you without you everything goes wrong ..so wrong.. look at me how deeply i've fallen fallen into....you.

May 14th, 2004, 05:55 AM	#2
trunks69420 Now Im Nothing Joined: Jan 2002 Location: Rochester, NY Age: 39 Posts: 2,415	well i think this is very nice and very heartfelt... and please... if some of the stuff i write i post here is here... then guess what? this is definitely here... actually i really like it alot and i really like when a person lets their emotions flow in front of everyone obviously... i do it all the time it really shows strength to me and i commend you on it so again.. great job __________________ "It wont give up it wants me dead... Goddamn this voice inside my head" five vicodin chased with a shot of clarity...

May 14th, 2004, 11:26 AM	#4
Lost_myth Every One Dies Alone Joined: May 2002 Location: In the depths of existance where the hot magma flows. Age: 37 Posts: 1,057	I felt like you were trying to create a rhythm that you didn't quite tackle throughout your poem and your pacing seems off. You have some errors in there, like spelling, that I would suggest changing. Believe it or not, sometimes spelling errors can distort the poem in its entirety. Your message has potential but the way you convey your break down is weak. __________________ All around me are familiar faces Worn out places Worn out faces Bright & early for the daily races Going nowhere Going nowhere Their tears R filling up their glasses No Xpression No Xpression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows No 2morrow No 2morrow & I find it kindof funny I find it kindof sad. These dreams in which i'm dying, R the best I've ever had

May 15th, 2004, 02:55 PM	#6
Lost_myth Every One Dies Alone Joined: May 2002 Location: In the depths of existance where the hot magma flows. Age: 37 Posts: 1,057	That's cool, I know how that is. Writing poetry in spanish is sometimes difficult for me. I make spelling errors to be usually mine or on purpose. English is a really hard second language. __________________ All around me are familiar faces Worn out places Worn out faces Bright & early for the daily races Going nowhere Going nowhere Their tears R filling up their glasses No Xpression No Xpression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows No 2morrow No 2morrow & I find it kindof funny I find it kindof sad. These dreams in which i'm dying, R the best I've ever had

Jun 3rd, 2004, 08:00 PM	#8
Piggle_humsy The One & Only Joined: Dec 2002 Location: Being Reborn Age: 41 Posts: 2,132	Very nice Eli, Your emotions come across strongly in this poem. Sorry to hear that your feeling this way. It always helps to express your feelings so i'm glad you felt comfortable enough here to share them with us. I hope things improve for you. Being apart from someone you care about is hard. Piggle x x x x __________________

	PsFantasy.com Forums » General Forums » Creativity Forum
Fallen.

May 14th, 2004, 11:11 AM	#3
Hylas Now or Never Joined: Jan 2002 Location: Zürich Age: 42 Posts: 2,456	Nice work eli I'd like to ask... is it dedicated to someone in particular?


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