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May 13th, 2004, 04:29 PM | #1 |
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 2,265
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Fallen.
I wrotte this tonight..i dunno if it's good enough to be posted in here but it's sort of how i've been feeling lately..some of you might know what it's about so i guess for you who know it will be more understandable than to the others but anyway i just hope you all like it ...
Fallen.. Now that you're not here i look at me and i see how deep i've fallen fallen into you It's stonger than me i need you my friend everything goes wrong without you now that lonelyness is felt stronger i scream it's stronger than me being without you and look at me how deep i've fallen it's a punisment to be without you now that my skin,my mouth and thirst only want you to be me with me.. my biggest fear is to say, say theese words.. stuck in my head it's stronger than me to be without you how deep i've fallen i need you ..i miss you without you everything goes wrong ..so wrong.. look at me how deeply i've fallen fallen into....you. |
May 14th, 2004, 05:55 AM | #2 |
Now Im Nothing
Joined: Jan 2002
Location: Rochester, NY
Age: 39
Posts: 2,415
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well i think this is very nice and very heartfelt... and please... if some of the stuff i write i post here is here... then guess what? this is definitely here... actually i really like it alot and i really like when a person lets their emotions flow in front of everyone *obviously... i do it all the time* it really shows strength to me and i commend you on it so again.. great job
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"It wont give up it wants me dead... Goddamn this voice inside my head" five vicodin chased with a shot of clarity... |
May 14th, 2004, 11:11 AM | #3 |
Now or Never
Joined: Jan 2002
Location: Zürich
Age: 42
Posts: 2,456
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Nice work eli
I'd like to ask... is it dedicated to someone in particular? |
May 14th, 2004, 11:26 AM | #4 |
Every One Dies Alone
Joined: May 2002
Location: In the depths of existance where the hot magma flows.
Age: 37
Posts: 1,057
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I felt like you were trying to create a rhythm that you didn't quite tackle throughout your poem and your pacing seems off. You have some errors in there, like spelling, that I would suggest changing. Believe it or not, sometimes spelling errors can distort the poem in its entirety. Your message has potential but the way you convey your break down is weak.
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All around me are familiar faces Worn out places Worn out faces Bright & early for the daily races Going nowhere Going nowhere Their tears R filling up their glasses No Xpression No Xpression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows No 2morrow No 2morrow & I find it kindof funny I find it kindof sad. These dreams in which i'm dying, R the best I've ever had |
May 14th, 2004, 12:07 PM | #5 | ||
Senior Member
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 2,265
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Quote:
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May 15th, 2004, 02:55 PM | #6 |
Every One Dies Alone
Joined: May 2002
Location: In the depths of existance where the hot magma flows.
Age: 37
Posts: 1,057
|
That's cool, I know how that is. Writing poetry in spanish is sometimes difficult for me. I make spelling errors to be usually mine or on purpose. English is a really hard second language.
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All around me are familiar faces Worn out places Worn out faces Bright & early for the daily races Going nowhere Going nowhere Their tears R filling up their glasses No Xpression No Xpression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows No 2morrow No 2morrow & I find it kindof funny I find it kindof sad. These dreams in which i'm dying, R the best I've ever had |
May 17th, 2004, 02:42 AM | #7 | |
Now or Never
Joined: Jan 2002
Location: Zürich
Age: 42
Posts: 2,456
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Quote:
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Jun 3rd, 2004, 08:00 PM | #8 |
The One & Only
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Being Reborn
Age: 41
Posts: 2,132
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Very nice Eli, Your emotions come across strongly in this poem.
Sorry to hear that your feeling this way. It always helps to express your feelings so i'm glad you felt comfortable enough here to share them with us. I hope things improve for you. Being apart from someone you care about is hard. Piggle x x x x
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