Dizes

AudioBoxer · Oct 19th, 2002, 02:47 PM

When you see it in your eyes,
Its a total surprise,
You loved her once,
But she was no Dunce,
She hit that wall,
It made me fall,
My life was over,
Then I thought of that Clover,
Yes she was a cute,
the bute was she was nice,
Clean and the one for me,
but she was gone,
gone with the wind,
yes I know,
what you are thinking,
she is dead,
yes she is,
so now am I

Lost_myth · Oct 19th, 2002, 02:53 PM

The first half was excellent, but then you stopped rhyming and still had the rythme. Which was a little confusing, might make more sense if I re-read it. But overall really nice poem, enjoyable. Good sense of meaning. Maybe you should show off the transition by making a new paragraph.

AudioBoxer · Oct 22nd, 2002, 08:52 PM

No I kinda like it like this cus then the 2nd part is where the true meaning of it comes out!

Noki Noki · Oct 22nd, 2002, 10:25 PM

When it starts to pull out of the rhyme scheme, the poem sounds like two different verses.. I like it.

Especially that mid-poem transition - sounds good!

Lost_myth · Oct 23rd, 2002, 05:19 PM

My bad, I had to re-read it to understand, interesting style.

Oct 19th, 2002, 02:47 PM	#1
AudioBoxer Banned Member Joined: Jul 2002 Location: Some white padded room? Posts: 899	Dizes When you see it in your eyes, Its a total surprise, You loved her once, But she was no Dunce, She hit that wall, It made me fall, My life was over, Then I thought of that Clover, Yes she was a cute, the bute was she was nice, Clean and the one for me, but she was gone, gone with the wind, yes I know, what you are thinking, she is dead, yes she is, so now am I

Oct 19th, 2002, 02:53 PM	#2
Lost_myth Every One Dies Alone Joined: May 2002 Location: In the depths of existance where the hot magma flows. Age: 37 Posts: 1,057	twice The first half was excellent, but then you stopped rhyming and still had the rythme. Which was a little confusing, might make more sense if I re-read it. But overall really nice poem, enjoyable. Good sense of meaning. Maybe you should show off the transition by making a new paragraph. __________________ All around me are familiar faces Worn out places Worn out faces Bright & early for the daily races Going nowhere Going nowhere Their tears R filling up their glasses No Xpression No Xpression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows No 2morrow No 2morrow & I find it kindof funny I find it kindof sad. These dreams in which i'm dying, R the best I've ever had

Oct 23rd, 2002, 05:19 PM	#5
Lost_myth Every One Dies Alone Joined: May 2002 Location: In the depths of existance where the hot magma flows. Age: 37 Posts: 1,057	My bad, I had to re-read it to understand, interesting style. __________________ All around me are familiar faces Worn out places Worn out faces Bright & early for the daily races Going nowhere Going nowhere Their tears R filling up their glasses No Xpression No Xpression Hide my head I want to drown my sorrows No 2morrow No 2morrow & I find it kindof funny I find it kindof sad. These dreams in which i'm dying, R the best I've ever had

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	PsFantasy.com Forums » General Forums » Creativity Forum
Dizes

Oct 22nd, 2002, 08:52 PM	#3
AudioBoxer Banned Member Joined: Jul 2002 Location: Some white padded room? Posts: 899	No I kinda like it like this cus then the 2nd part is where the true meaning of it comes out!

Oct 22nd, 2002, 10:25 PM	#4
Noki Noki Better than Maximo. Joined: Oct 2002 Location: Cricket Empire Age: 38 Posts: 58	When it starts to pull out of the rhyme scheme, the poem sounds like two different verses.. I like it. Especially that mid-poem transition - sounds good!


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