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Feb 6th, 2004, 08:48 PM | #1 |
punker to the end
Joined: Feb 2004
Location: foresthill ca
Age: 35
Posts: 156
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Bounty hunters christmas awesome story i wrote
I have a really cool story here it is it's called a bounty Hunter's Christmas
Bounty hunters, the lowest form of law out there. They’d do any thing to get their man anything. well thats what I heard anyway’s my name is spike and im a 26 year old bounty hunter. the year is 6043 we don’t use cars for vehicles any more. infact cars haven’t been used in over 2500 years. After the hovercrafts and spaceships came out cars kinda went downhill. Ive had a lot of cases in my time, but this one me and Jack my partner have been working on is a real tufee. The bounties name is Chris Cringle well at least thats what we call him. The reason for this is because over the last two Christmases there have been over twenty murders. We didn’t think they were all linked together until we found the lists. A list that had all the people names that he had killed and was going to. The weird thing is when we tried to look the names up we couldn’t find any info on them oh well. Also at the end of each list it was signed from north pole with love Chris Cringle. thats sick, Me and Jack thought for how big his bounty was there would be more hunters on him well we were wrong. Theres only 12 hunters on him this guys way to good for some hunters to get. Some of the hunters that have gone after for a long time have gone crazy or mysteriously died. Or some just give up, Well I don’t give up that easily. Ha plus theres a 60 billion dollar bounty on his head. With that me and Jack will be able to fix up are headquarters the Medallion. Ya shes a buet but last year on another bounty chase for a insane assain it got beat up pretty bad. Also Jack has be dien for some upgrades on his bounty ship the scavenger. My ship shes still holden up good all black pearl. But still this case will be hard this guy doesn’t leave any thing no finger prints nothin. Theres no sign of struggle with the victims just nice and clean. Also what makes it even harder is that all twenty murders were done one 4 different planets. 5 on mars, 5 on Jupiter, 5 on Saturn, and 5 on Zion or as formally none as earth. Infact thats were our next stop is good all earth were I was born and raised. In a nice smoggy trashy metropolis city area. Infact almost 97% of Zion is covered in cities its a shame. Ever since AI (artificial intelligence) came out the robots have been doing everything for humans. So the more robots made the more cities built for robots to live in. People don’t even have to work any more, the robots sell things, make things, they do everything. Stupid pile of cans. There have been a lot of rumors going around about the anti AI groups called the red dragons. They want to cause a universe wide riot against al robots and any one who apose them psychos. But thats a whole different case. Well here comes Jack wonder what he wants. “we will be landing any time spike” thanks Jack. I’ll go get my things ready. When I say my things you got to know im talking about my good all 9mm, and jacks sawed-off shotgun. Sure the technology moved up but people stick with the old weapons. (incoming message) “whos that Spike” I dont know hey its Dennis my old bounty hunter friend. Whats up Dennis. ( nothin much Spike I found some people that might know some things about your friend Chris Cringle) What gimee the addresses( hold on Spike let me get the one..... ah here it is. OK it is on 18346 A street) A street?( ya after they built all the cities they changed all the street names to numbers and letters.) O.K.(the A street is on level 1) what how many levels are there.( six levels, the guys name is Joe he said he had some deals with Chris in the past. Joes had a few felonies so I told him they’d get erased if he talked) all right so your business really has the power to erase that stuff.( were the government we can get away with anything now a day’s ha ha ha) Crooked government(hey your a low down bounty hunter you have no room to talk.) Ya well thanks for the info Dennis ( wait spike ther)click...... “why did you hang up on him spike” He got me mad “typical well lets go” ya “what are we taking spike” good all black pearl. “that old thing” she hasn’t failed me yet jack and I dont see her doing it any time soon. “spike I dont know why you dont sell that hunk of junk” Its got me through to much to get rid of Jack to much” ya whatever lets go” Bones be a good dog and guard the medallion when were gone “woof” lets lift off Jack “All right spike” Jack im gonna go lay down so wake me when were there..... “spike wake up were here” Whats all that screaming out side “oh thats just the red dragons at it again protesting the robots” Oh same all same all I cant stand those guy’s, there the ones causing the real problem here. “ya I agree and all those rumors about the riots could affect are case” well lets go see are man Jack “all right” now lets see were the heck is A street “over there Spike see that crackup up street” Man this place is a dump now lets see 18344 18345 ah her we go 18346. “I wonder if hes home” I dont know lets go find out though (knock knock....) “no one is answering” well lets go check inside. hello is anyone here, Joe we need to talk to you we were sent by Dennis. Were the bounty hunters “do you hear that Spike in the back room” ya it sounds like a TV, lets go check it out, time to come out 9 it might be your turn “Why do you talk to your gun” I dont know I just do “whatever lets just go” This house is a wreck reminds me of the medallion ha “so are all the rooms but theres nothin in them except the TV” Flip the light on Jack “all right” [click] look theres a holo gram over there can you turn it on Jack “shure Spike” <The holo gram said> Spike Dennis told me you were coming but I had to get out of here because Nick spandler or as you call Chris Cringle was coming to kill me. He heard about me talking to the government. He has got spies everywhere well that DVD will explain everything about him. Well see ya later Spike or maybe not <End transmission> So his name is Nick SPandler were have I heard that name before “ ya it does sound familiar” Oh well lets just watch the movie “got the popcorn ha ha” shut up Jack “no lets see what remote turns it on.... ah here we go.” cool. <This is what the video said> Nick spandler one of the worlds greatest scientist in the universe. He is the man that created the First AI a simple robot that does home chores. AS time went on Nick created more and more advanced robots. The newest robots he created are so life like you cant even tell there machines. He went as far as to put human organs and skin with robot parts to make a super human. The robots had all the human emotions love, hope, anger, pain. But then in the year 6036 a tradigity struck. Nick had been testing a new robot at home it was one of his finest pieces. So that night Nick and some of his colleges went out to celebrate and Nick left his wife and child at home with the bot. And then the robot malfunctioned it seems Nicks son Jason Spandler told the machine it wasn’t real but a robot. The robot with human emotions went into a confused rage of anger killing the wife and child. As Nick came home that night the robot tried to hide the bodies. Then the robot told Nick they left town for some reason. But Nick seeing the blood on the robots hands knew the robot had malfunctioned. The robot and Nick got into a struggle the robot struck Nick leaving a huge scar but in the end Nick destroyed the robot. After this moment in time Nick hated robots with all his heart thus creating the group called the red dragons. Nick destroyed all his data and the lab he worked in. That Nick made a solemn promise to him self that he would destroy all robots everywhere. The night the Murder happened happened was December 25 Christmas. Nick then changed his name to Chris Cringle. When the police checked the house all they found was one of the lists and at the top of the list was Nick Spandler as if Chris had killed him. So actually the reason you couldn’t find any info on the people murdered was because they were robots. The robots were made so good police couldn’t even tell the difference. After the bodies were sent away the government took them at nothing else was said. Oh yes one more thing the rumors about the riots of the robots and the red dragons are true. But it gets worse the blue dragons are helping out the red too. The leader of the blue dragons is Louis Parker. Yes I know you have heard his name before thats because he’s the murderer that got freed from prison. From the secret person well that person was Nick. Nick and Louis both hate robots and both have groups of destruction. This spells chaos Spike pure Chaos. Well thats all I know on this subject Spike I hope you catch your man. Maybe after you can use your bounty money to join me on paradise planet ha ha ha Seeya Spike. oh ya I almost forgot the riot will happen on Christmas so check the date <End Video> “well that was interesting ha Spike oh ya the date is the twenty fourth so only one day” Ya well that gives u....creek..... did you hear that Jack “what” Just follow me Jack. [shattering glass] “The Red Dragons” Shoot Jack shoot...click [gun shots everywhere] wait for the rest of the story
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twenty twenty twenty four hours ago i wanna be sedated no place to go no way to go home i wanna be sedated. |
Feb 12th, 2004, 01:41 PM | #2 |
ys.
Joined: Jan 2002
Location: ex-ex-exeter, disunited kingdom
Age: 40
Posts: 1,137
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You need to punctuate that properly if anyone is ever going to read through it. Paragraphs would be nice.
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Feb 21st, 2004, 08:25 AM | #3 |
pazparacolombia
Joined: Sep 2002
Location: Restless dreams...
Age: 43
Posts: 2,002
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Well, what Faile is trying to say, but didnt put so delicately, is that it is hard to keep one's attention (in any story or article what have you) if it is written that way. A lot of people just plain won'te be able to follow the script because they are not used to reading things that sound like a stream of conciousness.
I have a suggestion for you. What I did read sounded interesting, so go back and add some punctuation and seperate some paragraphs. If you need help with that have somebody proofread it. Being a bit of a writer I would hate to tell somebody who sounds to have so much enthusiasm something is simply not good enough. good luck _RED_ stuff
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"..loathsome laughing, mixed with such a cry as no man has heard save for in the phlegathon of unrelatable nightmares; a cry wherein reverberated the horror and anguish of a haunted lifetime packed into one atrocious moment..." |
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