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[Bl4ze]

Chapter 1

The figure walking down the street was wearing a hooded top and jeans with black Nike Air trainers. In the distance the sound of wailing police sirens emerged through the thick smoke of the chimneys on the hazy industrial state of Peak City.

As the figure walked he put his hand shiftily into his jeans pocket as he approached his victim of the evening. Usually Sapphire, which was his street name, only worked in the rich, uptown area where there was more cash for his drug habit. Tonight however he knew that Rob Howard, the owner of a wealthy printing works at the edge of the Industrial Esatate, would be returning on his weekly Tuesday visit from the bank so he could pay his employees the next day.

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Rob was always escorted by two workers for safety of the cash and many of the emloyees thought that it was a really stupid way of paying their wages considering the danger of mugging that was rife in the district. Tonight, he was being escorted by Dennis Hamley who worked in the manual operations section and Jade Miller who worked in the ofices writing most of the paperwork for Mr Howard to sign and be authorised or filed for later use. Dennis was a young, chubby person with ginger hair and a good sense of humour. Jade, was agile and had green eyes whoch sometimes seemed to glow like shimmering emeralds if they caught the moonlight right. Jade was the sort of cute girl every guy dreamed for. However, she did have an attitude. She may look cute to any passer-by but she always had a sharp tongue at the ready for anybody who got on the wrong side of her.

As the trio walked down the street with the briefcase half full with £10 notes Dennis noticed a hooded figure turn the corner walking quickly towards them. As he approached them he fumbled with sopmething in his pocket and produced a stanley knife, the blade gleaming as it caught the clear moon in the hot, summer air.

Rob quickly turned and started sprinting while both Dennis and Jade lunged for the attacker, who instantly reacted by swiping through the air with the blade making a soft 'swoosh' in the empty street. Again and again the mugger swiped the air and eventually caught Dennis arm in a swing. But as this happened Jade kicked hard at the mans stomach and he bent over double before bouncing back like a recoiling tiger. He dodged both of them and chased after the nearly distant Rob who had nearly reached the corner of the long street. As the attacker ran, a dark Mercedes squealed round the corner and carrered after the mugger stopping next to him. The man, jumped in and the Mercedes screeched off in the direction of Howard to the horror of both Dennis and Jade.

As they sprinted as fast as their legs could move them, they heard the slightly distant, but deathly, sound of a single pistol shot, a car door slamming and a final gunshot before a motor sped away.

Rounding the corner and seeing the bloody scene of both Howard and another person, which was not the attacker. As soon as they reached them Dennis whipped out his phone and dialled the emergency services, his fingers fumbling on the keypad as hos clammy hands became even sweatier the more he looked at the two lifeless bodies.








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Hi guys, any opinions on this? Do you think its good or bad or whatever... Any suggestion greatly appreciated

[Hylas]

First of all, is "Betrayal" the title of the whole story or the title of chapter 1? It's not bad for a beginning, but it'd be cool if later readers could get a little deeper into each character's personality. Ok, for the present moment we only have few traits for any of them, as this is just an introduction, and it'd be terrible to give away every detail now, but it'd be really bad if with the proceeding of the story we got nothing more than this. Like for example, you said Jade is a cute girl with an attitude. Right, but this happens in billions of other stories, so it'd be nice to know more about her, just to not have a general description, which is not very "personal".
That's my suggestion, but as I said, for being a beginning this sounds good, so if you like writing this story, don't give up! Do it for your pleasure mainly!

Good luck!