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Sep 5th, 2003, 03:26 AM | #1 |
just a rolling stone
Joined: Apr 2002
Location: of what?
Posts: 1,561
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*ahem*... Help!
Man, it's been such a long time since I last picked up the pen, I almost forgot how it's supposed to be held.
Ah... this forum brings back memories . But anyway, I am here now and in need of requesting your help: For next year's classes, I am to submit 3 "texts". Not really knowing what the hell texts are (and... no ), I decided to write poems. As most of you may know, I have no skill for them. Sure, I can write an "okay" short story, but I suck when it comes to poetry. And yes - that is why I have come... so that some of you may kindly take time to ream my (insipid) poems and give me feedback. I need help, so that I'll know whether I need to work more on them or not... so help me... and stop trying to bite me! They're 3 of 'em, so bear with me for a bit! ________________________________________ Poem 1 : A Name Written in Gold Why can’t I be him? Why must I be me? Why must he be so great? And me so stagnate? Why… Why… ---- Surely - I have felt this: This inexplicable woe of the heart; One that shuns my majestic art I must forsake it - I must suppress it - I must relinquish it -- I must eliminate it! No more shall you weigh down upon my hopes and dreams No more shall you be the dictator of suppressing regimes! No! I shall have it not For love for myself has a home in my heart: I am me – And shall always be I won’t be you - I don’t want to be you There is something within me - Something that shimmers and shines like the radiant beams of the morning sun Something that is mine: Something you will never have I am different from all the rest And surely – I am the best: The best, for the best of things are surrogated with a different light But alas! I’m not bathed in sublime light - For I am the light! The light The light, which was bestowed upon me by a higher might, I must protect with insurmountable height! Now, I bid you to be gone, doubt of doom And may you never lurk near me any time soon I know I cannot be the person that is to my right To my left, nor to my front I know this, but I also know: That person cannot ever be me So, now I cast you off Like the evil demon you are! Do not try to conceal my heart with your dark crimson lies, shadow of doubt For never again shall I far under your spell – My heart, that small muscle that separates me from the rest – That is where my light lies The light that you, nor no one else, shall ever have – The light that was given to me, and only me My heart – like no one else’s – bears my name A name engraved in gold For my heart is gold, and so am I My entity is irreplaceable I don’t long to be what I am not, For I know that I cannot The only person I can be Is me – And that is how it shall always be Me with my shining light and name of gold – The very one I always, but never realized, I bore. _______________________________________ Poem 2 : The Immortal All the walls are closing in, The floor that supports me is too thin. Living on wits, my will so dire, Needing water, my soul's on fire From the womb onto the grave, Evermore I remain their slave I long for the day I break free, I long for the day I can be me. I can't keep up, I’m falling behind, The feeling constantly destroys my mind The future now is all past tense, My mind is racing, nothing makes sense I pray for that ending dawn, But still I manage to carry on. No more do you see but a slimy, despicable thing but you don’t know what I can bring. Purified water… Come to me and quench my flame, the one that is burning and looking to drive me insane Calming waters of youth: I hear them rumble with their sudden splashes, my life before me quickly flashes Only seeing hatred, everyone has ceased to be kind, I find no one to understand my frame of mind. They push and push; I’m on the edge, Heavenly visages jumping from the ledge Why? Why can no one seem to understand? I don't need them to hold my hand. All I ask is that they stop their hateful lies, Before my life slowly passes before my eyes Objectiveness is all I see, But why can’t they see the good in me? Nothing would be greater than painless, endless death; I am in longing for my dying breath. My thoughts are all always confusing, But yet, everyone seems to find it amusing Paranoia besets me as I fall from grace, I have been disowned, and now I must conceal my face The world around me slowly turns, Much slower than this fire inside me burns. Not much about me will they miss, when they see me being plunged into the void less abyss. Accepting all they see in front as reality, no one can speak for but what they see. My soul has been crushed, I won't revive, I remain in a hopeless dream, but I manage to stay alive. Just then, I run and jump through the deadly plasma portal, to find out the worst: I am immortal. This world has caused me so much pain, Which I shall return in doubles during my evil reign… ________________________________________ Last Poem... : Shattered Glass Through the frames of my glasses, I see the figure The figure that has taken my heart captive The restless body-structure moves hastily through the store – He’s got sales to score I watch and observe, For that is the best that I can do My heart has betrayed me – It has played me Never wanting to know love, I strayed away And instead, I decided to focus my mind on other charades I was doing well – I had nearly reached adulthood clean and free from such feeling But little did I know that it would soon start steering That day, that fateful day in which my heart ceased to belong only to me, Gave birth to a whole new me The moment I saw it – I loved it Beauty had never before been so radiant Never had a more angelic being walked the scorching pavements of this earth Never had an entity before expressed so much light into my withering heart I watched, I observed, I analyzed – I loved I sought deep within my mind for flaws – Surely he must have them! I will locate them and lose myself in mystical criticism – I will make myself forget! But did I? Could I? No – I only loved more My heart was so submerged in this feeling of infatuation, lust, tenderness, and blind love That all flaws I once might have been agile to perceive, were nothing but graceful tints Oh, heart! How could you have done this! Why must I love but not be loved? Oh, Angels of Venice hear the woes of my impaling heart! Hear its cries and heal them with your Heavenly touch! Forget… forget – I must forget This is something that will never me mine But will instead envelop my heart and soul with brine – I want to go in, but I know that I mustn’t For surely, my heart will fail me yet again So, I resolve – with much pain and horror from my heart- that I must bid farewell Life, like a casing of colored glass that covers your life, will stain the white effulgence of your existence, But even worse is love; love for the wrong person, For it will make you wish upon the vanishing of your existence I must leave, and leave soon – My heart is dumb – I cannot love this man! He is married: Married and forbidden Did you not notice, Heart? Yes – you did, but you cared not You saw not the marital ties – All you saw was a figure – A figure to which my heart was soon to be rendered But I know this cannot be So instead – I shall flee And just as I am about to leave the unearthly scene, I turn around to look once more through the glass that separates my heart from its love – And I see him move hastily across the store – He’s got sales to score He sees me and smiles, for I’m a customer, too I smile back, and as I turn, shed a tear Never did he know what I felt – And never shall he know, For he belongs, and always will belong to another heart --- No matter how much my heart may be torn apart. Please, please... reply away. Oh! And tell me which you liked best, yeah ? Last edited by happy_doughnut; Sep 5th, 2003 at 03:34 AM.. |
Sep 5th, 2003, 06:36 PM | #2 |
here and there
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: ps2f, where else?
Age: 35
Posts: 1,347
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WOW they are nice....sexy kinda ^_^
they are good, i liked shattered glass best |
Sep 8th, 2003, 06:12 AM | #3 |
Results May Vary
Joined: Sep 2002
Age: 38
Posts: 2,712
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I think all of them are great, I mean I didn't think they'd be that long and I never had to write a poem that long.
My favorite is A Name Written in Gold. |
Sep 9th, 2003, 12:25 AM | #4 |
pazparacolombia
Joined: Sep 2002
Location: Restless dreams...
Age: 43
Posts: 2,002
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Oh, Mena! I am so pleasantly impressed, but not surprised. Talking to you so often and listening to the way you speak it's no wonder you have a bit of a knack for such things Your poetry seems to be unusually empowering. A true quality of potential about to go outta control once harnessed...take over the world, girl!
I liket Shattered Glass the best, not necessarily cuz you told me a little bit the story behind it at all, but much more because it is one of the most romantic reads about young love and the confusion involved I have read recently. I like the way you write it as a roller coaster ride almost, whether intended or not, just like love is. PEACE and keep them coming! _RED_ stuff
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"..loathsome laughing, mixed with such a cry as no man has heard save for in the phlegathon of unrelatable nightmares; a cry wherein reverberated the horror and anguish of a haunted lifetime packed into one atrocious moment..." Last edited by Redpyramidhead; Sep 9th, 2003 at 12:32 AM.. |
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