[Cannibal Clown]

I love reading this 007. It's really good. Your ideas are great and you've got a really awesome plot going.

But I think that you should put more detail on the force. As in have more depth in what they are doing as they travel from place to place. I'm not necessarely talking about diologe, more like atmospheric description and feelings about the situations. Then you could probally make these ten or so pages into twenty or even thirty some pages long.

You've got more than enough to work with to make this story really kick ass, now all you have to do is make it seem like the reader is really there, feeling the wind and hearing the screams of people in the back and seeing the dimming sun and haze and everything else that gives hollywood all of its glammor.

And just a suggestion, I think you should leave the whole explaining of the kid about his powers to himself. I mean, when the force asks the boy about his abilities, I'd just jump right to the smirk and have him kill em off. He should be feeling that they don't deserve his time and that all of them should just die with no remorse. Make him seem like Satan to these guys, but have him be as nothing more than a good happy friend to his classmates. have him explaine to them about his power, where you can put a lot of time and depth into it.

I'm not trying to change your story, I think it's awesome, I just think that you could use a second opinion. If you want we can talk about it at school. I really want to come up with some character designs for the people in your story, I've already got some really cool ideas.

I hope you take what I've said into consideration and maybe respond about it. I'd like your input on what you have to say in return to what I've just mentioned.